


How Does That Make You Feel?

by the_things_nobody_asks



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mutual Pining, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:34:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23121073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_things_nobody_asks/pseuds/the_things_nobody_asks
Summary: Catra finally goes to therapy. Except...Adora is the therapist. How unlucky can a girl be?Trigger warning: there will be depictions of abuse, physical, verbal, and emotionalCheck out my fan instagram! Someday I'll keep drawing characters. I'm pretty sure it's like "halp I've caught she-ra fever" but with underscores.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra)
Comments: 75
Kudos: 434





	1. The Next Step

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how long this will be or how involved. It's just kind of something that came to me and I figured it would be cool to write down.

The room wasn’t exactly as picturesque as she imagined her first office to be. Then again, none of this was what she thought it would be. As thankful as she was to have an opportunity to get rid of some of her debt from the last four years, she never thought she’d end up back here. The deal was, 10% of her loans would be forgiven for every year she served an under-priveledged community in need. While it sounds great and all, she knew she also wouldn’t be getting paid nearly as much as she could be as a Licensed Therapist working somewhere in a more metropolitan area. Not only that, but she had already run into several people she went to high school with since moving here. It really was true what they said about this town -the kids who never went away to school got stuck. Adora sighed deeply. I did leave, yet here I am, stuck anyways.

She tried to shake out all the bad as she continued to put simple decorations up -she knew better than to be so pessimistic. She smiled as she found the perfect spot for her favorite little succulent plant on the middle shelf of her wall organizer. This was the next step. This is what she had to do. There. Now this place has a little bit of life to it! It was a smaller room, with one window that didn’t let in much sunlight, but perhaps that was more due to the overcast than the East-facing wall. She’d set two armchairs facing each other up against the wall, with a little glass coffee table in between them. There was one small futon, still somehow too large for the room, in the other corner, in case somebody preferred to just lay down. Adora was sure she herself would probably use it a time or two. Once she put out the last of her belongings -a pastel-colored painting of flowers that brought back all too many memories -she headed home. 

Bow and Glimmer were cooking dinner when she took off her shoes and put them neatly to the side of the door. “Hey Adora, we’re havin’ tacos. Sound good?” She was incredibly glad they had such flexible jobs and were able, and willing, to move with her. She didn’t know what she’d have done if she had to come back here alone. They were the most supportive friends in the world. Adora loved living with them -they really got her out of her comfort zone, made her try new things. That was something she stopped doing after high school. 

“Ugh. Yes. It SMELLS good. When do we need to go grocery shopping again?”

Glimmer came over with a steaming spoon of ground beef. “New spices. Try this.” 

Adora blew on it before taking the most amazing bite. “Bow. You’re a god. What did you do to this taco meat, and can you do it every time?” 

He smiled back at her. “Chef’s secret!”

Glimmer wiped her bangs to the side with the back of her wrist. “We should be good for at least a week. The Walmart here is a Super-Walmart. They have, like, everything. Did you even know that was a thing?” She went back to chopping veggies. 

Adora sat down on the other side of the counter from them. “Yeah, welcome to land of-” she made the sound of a banjo. “Church formals and Walmart people.” 

“God, do you really hate it that much?” 

Adora kicked herself mentally. No, she didn’t hate it. “No, I think it’s just a big shock going from such a progressive city like Portland to a tiny, conservative town like this.” And I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I shoved way down and never dealt with. I ran away from them; I distracted myself with school; I avoided dealing with my issues at all costs, even though I know how stupid that is. But she didn’t tell them that much. “This place just brings back a lot of childhood memories, and not all of them good.” 

Bow was flipping the contents of the pan in that way Adora always found impressive. She wished she could. “Well, we’re going to make new memories together here -fun memories. It’s going to be great!” 

“Yeah! And it’s not like this is permanent.” 

That was most definitely true. She hoped her friends were right. She wanted to be able to override it all. Adora was still running, even though she was here now. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Catra loved cleaning the bar. No matter how many drinks were spilled or how many greasy assholes sat there and put their grubby little hands on it, she could always wipe it clean. A clean start every night. Since working at the Fright Zone, she’d been able to take pride in something. She enjoyed her work -basically poking fun at local drunks who then tipped her for it -and she was good at it. When Scorpia started asking her questions about running the place, she realized she actually kind of had a knack for business. That’s what started all of this school bullshit. But whatever. It would be worth it in the end right? 

Scorpia took her in when she really needed it, let her stay in the upstairs apartment after she was able to get a new place. And she gave her a job -a good fucking job. And now she was offering to help Catra get her GED and take a couple business-y classes at the community college so that she could help her run the Fright Zone, and maybe even own this one someday. It was something Catra couldn’t refuse -both for herself and for Scorpia’s sake. This was a chance to do some good, and she was gonna be damned if she let it slip through her fingers. 

Even though the schoolwork had proven to increase her anxiety, seeing the therapist there helped a bit-although she’d never tell him that. Steve was a little old man who could have easily been the age of dust itself. At first, she thought he was just a crackpot, but the more she talked, just like he said, the more she felt like a crushing weight was lifted. She had anxiety attacks less frequently, and she was still angry a lot, but when life deals you shitty cards, it tends to make people bitter. Catra felt entitled to that anger. The world fucked her, so she said fuck the world. It was a two-way street. 

This year, she had to finish her math requirements, and she started her business classes. She fucking hated math, so much. She despised it. So the thought of walking into a more advanced class when she basically had no prior knowledge was super screwed up. She was just going to have to bite the bullet and get it done. This math shit was the next hoop to jump through. That’s what she needed to do. But it was definitely stressing her out. The last couple nights, she’d caught herself clenching her jaw a lot, and she was being extra snappy with the creepy old men at the bar, which was bad for tips. She needed that money -turns out, school is expensive. So what she really needed was to see little old Steve again to work his magic and make her feel a little less about-to-rip-somebody’s-head-off.


	2. First Cut is the Deepest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra and Adora bump into each other after four years. Neither find it a joyous reunion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I anticipate this will be a somewhat short fanfic, but we'll see.

It was the first day of class and by the end of it, Catra knew she was boned. Business financing would be the end of her. She walked begrudgingly to math analysis, thinking it couldn’t possibly be worse, but she was wrong. It was worse. Way worse. The girl sitting next to her had to have been like four feet tall -she didn’t even look 15. That had to have been the worst part: going back to school with actual fucking high schoolers. All the goody-goody smart kids do this thing where they take college classes the last two years of high school so they get their AA at the same time. Then they leave. That’s just what they do. Because they’re so much better than everyone else who’s not in the genius classes. 

They were told to introduce themselves. Catra sat there brooding with her arms crossed over her chest. “What are you, like, ten?” 

The small girl with blue hair squinted her eyes at Catra. “Twelve. What are you, like thirty?” 

Fuck you! I’m 23. Catra flipped her off. This little runt was going to be her partner for the rest of the course? Bull. Shit. The teacher started talking about the syllabus and Catra zoned out, now seething. Too bad it was illegal to beat the snot out of little brats. When the bell rang, she was surprised at how quickly that class had gone by. Maybe if she could just pretend to be somewhere else the whole time, it would be that fast every time. 

As she slung her bag over her shoulder, she noticed it felt heavier than before -the little girl’s words were starting to weigh on her a little. Catra was almost 24 and just getting her GED. She was living out of her friend’s bar-apartment. Could she be any more lame? It made her angry. It made her afraid. What if she never really became a successful adult? What if she just continues to burden Scorpia? What if she can’t pass these two fucking classes and ruins everything? She feels the strap of her bag pinching her skin and a tightness in her chest starts to coil up. Uh-oh. Time to go see Steve. The thought makes her feel worse. You can’t even handle the first goddamn day? Pathetic. But her feet take her there anyways. 

Across the campus, head down, hoping nobody is looking at her. They aren’t, but she feels paranoid anyways. She’s counting backwards in her head, trying to stay calm. Almost there. She walks through the health building door, down the hall to the left and stops abruptly at the reception window. The woman at the desk looks up. Catra watches her open her mouth but doesn’t give her the chance to speak. 

“I’m here to see Steve.” 

This lady was taking way too long. “I’m afraid Steve no longer works here.”

Catra felt like the floor was going to give out from underneath her at any second. “What?” 

“We have a new counselor on staff now if you’d like to make an appointment?” No she didn’t want to make a fucking appointment. She wanted to talk to Steve, right now!

“No, I-” She exhaled. She could hear Scorpia telling her to just treat this lady nice. “I would like to see somebody now, if I can.” 

She hesitated behind the window. “I’ll...I’ll see if she’s got an opening now. Just go ahead and have a seat. I’ll be back, Catra.” How embarrassing. She came in frequently enough that the lady knew her by name. Catra did sit, but she was far from still. She felt her nails digging into her palms and her knees were bouncing up and down. Finally, the lady sat back down in her chair. “She’ll be out in a minute, dear.” 

A minute? More like eternity. The sound of the clock on the adjacent wall was going to actually make her lose her mind. She practically felt every tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Finally, she heard a door open and her eyes snapped forward. Each step the woman took toward her made the room just a bit smaller, squeezing her tighter and tighter until she couldn’t breathe. The woman was a bit taller than she was, with golden blonde hair pulled back in what seemed like an all-too-childish hairstyle for a counselor. Then again, Catra didn’t see a counselor. She saw her teenage best friend staring, gaping open-mouthed back at her. The one person she cared about. The one person who could change her for the better. The one person who up and left her for dead. 

She couldn’t help the dry laugh that came out -her body’s only other response to blind fury. “Well, fuck me I guess.” Then she left. She didn’t remember walking out, getting to her bike, or riding to the gym. By the time she realized where she was again, her knuckles hurt from how hard she was hitting the bag, drenched in sweat. 

Her shoulders burned. Her lungs burned. She couldn’t catch her breath, but she didn’t care. She was still so. Fucking. Angry. How dare she come back. How dare she just stand there in that room, where Catra NEEDED to be. How dare she take that away. How dare she replace Steve. After all this time? Nothing. She couldn’t just walk back into this town all high and mighty, thinking she has a right to know people’s feelings. Catra kicked harder. 

This was her saving grace. After a lifetime of being shoved around, she became a fighter. She would never cower in a corner again, not even from her own feelings. SHE would be in control. She WAS in control. Every hold, every punch, every kick, every strike -she had the power. Boxing, wrestling, and a little bit of MMA training with Scorpia. It all went a long way. She would never be a victim again, not to anyone -and certainly not Adora fucking Weaver. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Adora was nervous for her first day, which probably shouldn’t have been a surprise to her. It was a totally new setting and a new bunch of people. It’s not that she didn’t feel qualified or underprepared; her internship experience had pretty much prepared her for anything. Anything except what her first day would throw at her, apparently. 

It was the first day of classes and she was a new counselor. She didn’t exactly expect to be swamped with people, and she wasn’t. She had one mid-morning appointment scheduled. It was a middle-aged mother of two, going back to school to get her nursing degree. She was dealing with the pretty standard anxieties relating to all of that. The woman walked away seeming very appreciative of their talk, which left Adora feeling a bit more confident in her element here. 

Then Patty, the receptionist came and knocked on her door. “Uh, Miss Grayskull? Would you be willing to take a walk-in at the moment? She was one of Dr. Morrison’s regulars. I brought you the file.” The plumper woman walked over to the desk and handed her a very light manilla folder. “She’s waiting outside. I think she really just needs to vent, so you could probably take a gander at that once she’s in.” 

Adora nodded and followed her out into the hallway. For a regular, this was a very light folder, not many pages of notes. Name. She needed the name. She opened the waiting room door as she opened the folder in search of what name to call, but when her eyes found it scribbled at the top right hand corner of the page, Adora stopped walking and the name died on her lips. Catrina Hordak. Her heart skipped a beat and she looked up, hoping it might all be some kind of dream. But there she was, sitting still as a picture, staring back at her. She looked older. Well, of course she did, it had been four years. Her hair was still messy and her style hadn’t changed much, albeit maybe getting a bit less childish. She looked good. She looked stressed as hell. She looked angry. She looked like she was about to explode. Adora knew that look. 

Catra opened her mouth and laughed. Adora knew that bitter laugh so well -every argument... Catra was definitely angry. “Well, fuck me, I guess.” And then she was gone. Patty looked up from her computer monitor, confused and a bit concerned. Adora shook her head and tried to feign a weak smile.  
“I guess...I guess she didn’t really need to talk that badly.” She walked slowly to her office, making sure with each step that her foot was, in fact, in contact with the ground. This was real, right? That just happened? She flopped down onto the couch and closed her eyes. With what luck? How many people in this town, thirteen-thousand? And she was here, at this school, in this office today? Adora sighed heavily. She did look stressed, and Patty said she was a regular? She probably really did need to talk to somebody. Adora hoped she found somebody who would listen -somebody Catra would trust. She sure as hell wasn’t interested in talking to Adora. Not after that last fight. 

She couldn’t help but remember the way Catra cried. Her breath hitched thinking about it and there was a pang in her chest. It hurt so badly to walk away from her, but the things Catra said to her...It wasn’t fair. They never should have left things that way. They clearly both needed closure. Hell, Adora was still angry and hurt, so Catra definitely was. They meant the world to each other, and somehow it all just went wrong. 

She was happy to go home that night, but she knew she would have to tell Bow and Glimmer everything. She was a terrible liar and she was positive that I-ran-into-the-one-person-I-wanted-to-avoid was written all over her face. She was right. The second she got in the door, they started asking what was wrong. To her dismay, she just started crying. Way to play it cool, Adora. I guess I feel worse about it than I thought I did...Bow and Glimmer sat her on the couch in the livingroom and turned off the TV. 

“Talk to us.” 

She started slowly. “So, you guys remember how I had that one friend in high school?” 

Both of her friends were watching her very intently. She kind of wished they weren’t. “You mean, the one who you were totally gay for but never told?” 

“The one who emotionally manipulated you into being perma-guilty?” 

Adora cringed at the way she’d explained it in the past. She made Catra out to be a monster. She wasn’t a monster, just...misunderstood and scared. “Yeah, well I saw her today.”

They both gasped. “WHAT?! How crazy is that?” 

“I told you, it’s a small town. But yeah, it was clearly a surprise to us both.” Adora clasped her hands together in her lap, fidgeting. 

“No kidding! What happened?” 

“Nothing. She was supposed to be...one of my patients I guess? I didn’t know. I saw the name and looked up and there she was, just sitting there staring at me like I was this...this evil thing. And then she was just gone. She kind of stormed out without saying much.” 

Bow was leaned forward in his seat. “Well what DID she say?” 

Adora laughed nervously. “Nothing nice, that’s for sure.” Well, fuck me, I guess. Definitely not nice. 

“Wow, in public and everything? She’s got some nerve, huh?” 

“Yeah, she’s got guts.” Always has. But even now, Adora is holding back. She’s not telling them how much it brought her back to being a scared teenage girl just seeing Catra again, how much it hurt to see that Catra hated her so much, even after all this time. She’s not telling them all of the pain and comfort they shared with each other to survive their parents. Adora was willing to bet that Catra had truly dealt with her past as little, if not less than Adora had. 

“So are you still gay for her?” The question came out of nowhere. 

“WHAT?” Adora hated how easily she blushed. So stupid. 

“You know, is she still rockin’ that alternative-grunge, queen of darkness kinda vibe?” Adora was pretty sure she’d never described Catra like that at all -like ever. But yeah, she definitely still dressed a little punk-ish. Not in a bad way -just her way. 

“I mean, I didn’t exactly -” 

“Honey, it’s okay. Glimmer and I found the PERFECT thing to get her out of your mind. What you really need to do is moooove on. You haven’t gotten laid in like, what, six months?” Longer, and that's IF you count that awkward-ass interaction as 'getting laid'. She'd been pursued for a long time by a guy named Rodney, and finally, against her better judgements she gave in. She went on a few dates with him during grad school, and one night they tried to sleep together. Er, he really, really wanted to sleep with her and she felt like she should at least try to sleep with a man in her 20's...right? Needless to say, it was not a mind-blowing first time, and Adora's interest in the realm of sex was no more than the ember it was reduced to after Catra. It hadn't been sparked since. Some bitter part of Adora thought it never would be. How does that song go? First cut is the deepest. 

“Bow!”

“What? I’m just saying, she’s really stressed and this whole Catra thing isn’t helping. Nothing a stiff drink and a good orgasm can't fix.”

“I think what I really need is closure, with her.” Both Bow and Glimmer gave an ‘awuh, sweetie’ kind of look. “We left things in a really strange place and I feel like just getting closure is all I need.” 

“Well are you gonna get that closure tonight?”

Adora blinked at them for a minute, starting to feel progressively uneasy about the mischievous glint in their eyes. “I mean...no.” 

“Well then we might as well go out to celebrate your first day on the new job!” Bow held out his hands to give her spirit fingers for far too long. 

“People at the restaurant today were talking about this bar downtown called the Fright Zone. The drinks are supposed to be really good and there’s dancing and music and liiiiights.” 

“Oh no. No. You guys…” She could sense herself giving in already. “... I really don’t think this is a good idea. I’m actually kind of tired anyways and…” How were they so good at convincing her to do things without even really trying? It was their eyes. “I mean, I have paperwork I could be doing…” Catra used to be able to convince her to do things with her eyes. Oh God, she did need a drink. “I guess the paperwork can wait.” 

Bow and Glimmer jumped off the couch in unison. “YESSSSSS.” 

They started doing their party cha-cha. “We’re goin’ out to-night, yeah! Goin’ out to-night, WHOO!”

Adora could already tell that she was either going to have a blast, or regret going for forevermore. She hoped it would be the first.


	3. Painkiller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a flashback from the past and then Bow spills beans to Catra not knowing who she is.

8 Years Ago

Adora collected herself, rubbing her jaw where she still felt a hand holding it, squeezing, bending her to its will. It had come on quickly, seemingly unprovoked as it always did -some divined punishment. Her face was always left clean, but there would certainly be a bruise near her elbow tomorrow from when she hit the wall. She wiped her face and took a couple deep breaths. She couldn’t let Catra see her like this. She made a mental note to apologize to God later tonight, but lately she’d been feeling like her prayers went unanswered. 

She put her hair up and changed clothes -for some reason she felt...unclean. She often did after the fire and brimstone you’re-going-to-burn-in-hell pep talks her mom liked to have. Nothing like the threat of eternal damnation to get a person ready for a good time. When she walked downstairs, her mother was watching from the kitchen table. “You remember what I said, child. 10 o’clock. And if you fraternize with the devil, I shall know.” 

It wasn’t fair. She was almost 17 years old. Other kids her age were already driving, they had real cellphones, they were allowed to have friends over and do things, go places. This year was going to be different. Mrs. Razz was helping her earn college credits these last two years, then she could actually leave. She needed to tell Catra at some point, about all of it. But not tonight. She pedalled just a little bit faster -Catra’s was just around the corner and to the left. 

Catra was already out of her house, waiting. She seemed different -happy? “Took you long enough!” She wasn’t whispering like she usually would. Her dad must have passed out drunk, which also meant...

“Get on.” Catra stepped up onto the pegs of Adora’s bike. They both knew where they were going even without talking. There was a pond about 15 minutes away, through the woods to a clearing. They never saw anyone else out there. It was peaceful under the stars. Tonight it would be all lit up by the full moon. She dropped her bike just inside the woods and didn’t bother to lock it. It would be safe here. They easily found the trail their frequent footsteps had made. This was their spots. 

“So...your old man-” 

“Yeah.” 

“Did he…”

“Nah. Not tonight.” 

Adora let out a sigh of relief. She looked over at her friend as she sat down next to her on the grassy hillside. She looked beautiful in the moon’s pale light -it seemed to soften her a little, make her glow almost. Adora always thought her eyes had to be the most amazing eyes God ever created. In fact, Catra was just the most amazing, resilient person. Nobody else could make an old T-shirt and jeans look so good. It was thoughts like these, the ones she couldn’t seem to stop thinking or push away, that made her wonder if God made her broken. She didn’t really have a crush on her best friend, right? But why else would her heart do backflips every time she was close, every time she smiled? 

“So why are you in such a good mood?” Adora picked up a pebble and chucked it into the pond with a ‘bloop’. 

“Cause I fucked Daniel Hobkins yesterday.” Daniel was her nextdoor neighbor, an asshat football player who got treated like a hero by half the town. But Adora knew he was a bully, like his father. 

Adora half-heartedly laughed, but stopped when Catra didn’t start laughing too. “Wait, you’re serious? Why?”

She shrugged and lay back, hands folded behind her head. “Bored.” Adora’s heart sunk and she couldn’t even begin to describe the feeling in her chest. “You’re never around anymore and he was.” Adora’s mind was racing, trying to understand. She had so many questions. “You should have seen him, he was so excited. It was kind of sad, really.” 

“Did it hurt? I mean...was it...good?” Adora kicked herself for asking. She really didn’t want to know. 

Catra turned her head to meet Adora’s eyes. “Didn’t hurt. It was kind of fun. I’d do it again.” Adora knew she wasn’t really happy about it. She was upset about something else and trying very poorly to mask it. 

Adora felt like she was going to cry. She could tell Catra was telling her this as punishment for not spending more time with her, and that hurt too. Part of her knew it wasn’t right, that she did nothing wrong. But she apologized anyways, like she always did. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to spend as much time with you lately. You know I want to.” 

“I get it, Adora. “ Catra turned her head back to the stars. “You’ve got your priorities and I’ve got mine.” 

Priorities. As if Adora choosing to pursue school like this meant she didn’t care about Catra. “Catra, it’s not like that. You know I love -” she caught herself. “Spending time with you. I miss this. I miss you.” 

“Oh, please. If you really missed me then you’d be making more of an effort to see me.” 

“That’s not fair! Catra, my mom, you know she’s -” 

“Yeah, yeah, the almighty God-sent psycho. I know.” Catra stood up. “How shitty for you, lecturing your ear off. You know what I have to go through. But you know what, this isn’t even worth it.” 

“Catra.” Adora’s voice was already giving out. “Catra!” But she was already gone, too far and too angry to reach with words. That’s how it always went when they fought. Adora let her go and said all the things she wished she’d gotten a chance to, hoping her tears would wash away all the pain she felt balled up inside of her. “I get beat to come see you. I get thrown up against walls to come see you. I get called a freak and a sinner, and the worst part is that I’m scared she’s right about all of it.” 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Catra felt much better after her boxing session, but not as good as after a very short round with Daniel. He had been her on and off go-to fuck buddy for years now. His six pack turned into a beer belly and he lost some of his hair, but Catra didn’t really care. She wasn’t really in it for the sex, she didn’t really see him. It was all about the power. She could scratch him and bite him and push him around and best of all, she controlled it all. It was always fast -she just needed a little fix to boost her morale and then she’d kick him out. She just needed to make somebody else hurt a little bit. 

Then she wiped the bar down. Clean slate. The night began anew. It was like any other Monday night -the regulars came for food and beer around 8, and then a few more at 9, and then she walked in. Of course. Nothing for years and now twice in one day? Adora walked in with two other people -a short, chubby woman with pink hair and a tall black guy in a crop top. They all looked incredibly out of place here in a town where flannels and jeans were the standard. Well, maybe not Adora herself. She looked like somebody who had grown up here, thought she was too fucking good for it, left, and now came back. She was in a pencil skirt and a white button up, with her hair still in that stupid ponytail. She looked good. Goddamn her and her long, athletic legs. Catra scrubbed the bar harder where some beer had spilled. 

She had to take some deep breaths before looking up to greet the two new people now standing at the bar. She was very thankful that it was Adora’s friends and not Adora herself. “Hi there! What are your craziest drinks here?”

Crazy? “Uh...I’ve got a shot like a Kamikaze I can light on fire. The Brass Knuckles is pretty popular.” 

“Sounds perfect! We’ll take two of the ones on fire and one Brass Knuckles.”

Catra wasn’t sure how to act. They didn’t seem to know who she was. “You guys aren’t from around here, are you?” 

The girl put her elbows up on the bar. “Nope! Just moved here with our bestie. She had kind of a weird first day at work so we’re taking her out.” They definitely didn’t have a clue who she was. Figures. Adora just leaves and just forgets about her. 

“Awuh, poor baby. First day of work.” She clucked her tongue. “Must’ve been so hard.” Her sarcasm went unnoticed. She lit their drinks on fire and they oohed before clinking the cups together and taking the shots. Which meant the other drink was for Adora...she got a wonderful idea. 

“Yeah, she was pretty shaken up about it.” Bitch, I’ll show you shaken up. Catra could feel herself practically boiling. She reached for the double proof tequila and whiskey for the drink. Catra was willing to bet almost anything Adora still couldn’t handle alcohol for shit. One time she took a couple beers from her dad and they snuck out to meet up. Adora had like half a beer and got so mushy and needy, Catra actually cuddled with her for a while. That was the first time she had let anyone be so close. It had been a good night. The music picked up and she was brought back to the present. 

“She basically ran into her first love-” What? 

“BOW!” Catra put the drink on the counter. 

He threw his arms out and looked at the girl. “What?! It’s true.” Then turned back to Catra, leaning on heavily on the bar. They must’ve had drinks before coming out. “She has to own up to her feelings eventually.” He picked up the drink. “That’s why we’re getting her this. Thanks!” Oh, that drink would give her feelings alright. They tipped her well. She almost felt bad. Almost. She looked around but couldn’t see where Adora was hiding. Why hadn’t she told them?

Not 30 minutes later, the guy was back, a bit more languid than before. He had most certainly helped Adora with her drink, which was probably for the best anyways. “Hey barrrrrrr-tenderrrrrrr. I’d like two shots of tequila with lime, please. But our friend doesn’t need anymore. I think she’s cut off. That drink you made her was super strong.” 

Catra grabbed the fixings for the shots. He leaned way over the bar, almost like he was trying to tell a very loud secret. “Honestly, I think she thinks you’re cute. I think that’s why she’s too shy to come over here.” Catra scoffed. Shy my ass. She doesn’t have the guts. He was kicking his feet off the bar like a child. 

“She has some hesitation coming out of the closet, you know.” The men sitting next to him at the bar stopped and turned to glare at him. Bow raised his eyebrows and made a ‘yikes’ face. “I mean, in a town like this, I don’t blame her.” Catra didn’t know what to make of that. Bow grabbed the shots but continued talking. “I just think she’s gotta talk to this girl, right? I mean, she doesn’t even KNOW. Anyways, you are SUCH a good listening, ohmygosh. I can see why they hired you to talk to people all night. Thanks for the drinks.” He tipped her well again. Catra’s head was spinning. 

‘The girl’ is me. I’m the girl Adora has to talk to because I ‘don’t even know’ she’s...what, gay? I guess that makes sense. She didn’t technically know Adora wasn’t straight -she never said so. But she never really fooled around with boys, or talked about them even, and Catra always knew they had...something. They were friends, yeah, but Catra never let anyone else cuddle with her or touch her the way Adora did. Sometimes Adora would kind of do this thing where she’d pet her face, brush her fingers with feather-light strokes down Catra’s nose and over her forehead, down her cheeks. One night they got drunk and she did it down Catra’s neck, and whenever she touched one of her collarbones, Catra shivered...but in a good way. She still got chills thinking about it. Nobody else did that -not any of the schmucks she’d been with, not Daniel, not her father -nobody else’s hands had ever been so...loving. It never felt good like that with anyone else. It was only ever painful.


	4. Oh Bartender!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Adora walks up to the bar...

“What...is it?” Adora sniffed the cold glass in her hands. 

“Just try it! The bartender said it was really popular.” The bartender -Catra. So she really never did leave. Adora ran for the furthest nook when her friends went to get drinks. She hoped she was fast enough that Catra hadn’t seen them. Two times in one day! It had to be a sign. She took a sip and nearly spit it out. Her tongue felt like it was on fire. “Ugk. WHAT IS THIS?” 

Glimmer took the glass from her. “Oh, Adora. Really, it can’t be that bad. You’re such a baby with this stuff.” She took a swig and immediately puckered her whole face. “Oh, that is strong. Wow.” 

Bow tried it and did the same face. “Just gotta knock it back!” He took a big gulp, which Adora appreciated, then handed it back to her. She just stared at it before trying to ‘knock it back’. She was so bad at drinking, but she’d need all the liquid courage she could get just being here. It wasn’t entirely empty, but it wasn’t what she expected. Then again, it was only a Monday night. 

It didn’t take long for her to feel the alcohol. Her cheeks burned and she felt like it was 1000 degrees. She felt paranoid, like Catra was going to pop out from behind the corner at any moment, but Adora could see she was at the bar. “I’m going back for more drinks. Glim, you want another shot?” 

“Ohh, yes please. Tequila?”

“Anything for you babe.” 

Adora put her chin in her hand on the table. “What’s wrong Adora?”

She closed her eyes and wined. “I feel like I’m in a sauna and you and Bow are super cute and I’m aloneee.”   
“I told you not to wear that shirt -it’s so stuffy.” She reached across the table and unbuttoned Adora’s top two buttons.

“Hey-”

“And you are NOT alone. You’re with us.” 

“I dunno know what people wear when they go out. I don’t go out. I stay in. And you know what I mean.” 

Adora finished her drink, coughing a bit from the afterburn. Glimmer cocked her head to the side. “You’ll meet somebody new, but you have to be willing to let yourself have feelings. You know that.” 

Adora sighed heavily -drunkenly. “Yeah, yeah. I know. Emot’nal repression does nothing good for anyone.” She did know. That was the trouble. 

“So...does that mean you’ll confront your ex-BFF?”

Adora dropped her head to the table, starting to feel like the far end of tipsy. “Yes.” She groaned into the dark wood. “B’what do I even say?” 

“You be honest. About how you felt, everything that happened, how you feel now -however that is.” 

Adora groaned again. That was a lot of ground to cover. Catra usually didn’t let her talk very long before exploding. But glimmer was right, if she was going to open up, she’d have to start calling Catra out on her self-centered bullshit. She couldn’t enable her anymore. She picked her head up when she heard Bow approaching again. “That bartender is so nice.” 

“HA!” They both looked at Adora quizzically. “Bow, I need’hat.” She grabbed Glimmer’s shot from the table and took it. Courage. I need courage. 

“Adora? What’re you doing?” She pushed herself up from the table. Now was as good a time as any. 

“M’gonna do it. I’m gonna talk to her.” Catra. 

“What, ‘her’ who?” 

“That girl? Is she here?” They were looking around as Adora stood up and started walking. 

“She’s the bartender.” All she heard behind her was Glimmer punching Bow’s arm. She didn’t see the look of horror on their faces. She was too determined to keep on walking -one step at a time. When the bar came into view, Catra still didn’t seem to notice her, which she was secretly thankful for. Every step she took felt like it was another step toward uncertainty. Maybe this was a bad idea. What would they even talk about? The last time they saw each other, Catra had said that she hated her and that she wished they’d never met. Even though Adora knew that couldn’t be true, still...where do you go from there? But it was too late now. She was standing at the bar between two groups of patrons, watching Catra at the other end. She was in a crimson lace top that dipped down to expose cleavage, a leopard print belt, and tight leather pants. Her hair was down and curled, but still messy. She did her makeup the way she always had -a cat eye that suited her like none other. The eyeshadow made her hazel eyes reach out and grab you. Her nails were longer than she used to keep them, almost pointed. She always did like to look a bit edgy. 

Adora waited, not wanting to be the one to initiate. She was a bartender, afterall. If Adora wanted to buy a drink, she’d eventually have to look this way...but Catra seemed to be finding any excuse not to look her way. So Adora just stood and watched her work. She was a bit more muscular than when they were teenagers -she must’ve started working out. Good for her. Catra turned and walked toward her, making Adora’s heart beat madly in her chest. This was it. This was it. Say something. Anything. Adora opened her mouth but nothing came out. Catra walked right past, hitting Adora with a wiff of her body spray, sending her reeling. She knew that smell. She missed it. How could she have ever forgotten? She couldn’t tell if she was starting to feel that last shot or if the smell of Catra’s perfume was actually intoxicating. Catra was definitely ignoring her though. 

“Excuse me, bartender.” Adora nearly jumped as the man beside her spoke. “I’d like to get a whiskey sour and…” he turned and put his arm around Adora’s waist. “...whatever this beautiful woman right here wants.” 

She wriggled away from his arm. “Oh, no. Thank you. I’ll be buying my own drinks.” 

“Nonsense. A pretty thing like you doesn’t need to do a thing like that. It’s on me, sweetheart -whatever you want.” His arm snaked back around her, tighter this time. He reeked of beer and cigarettes. “Why don’t we have a couple drinks, get to know each other a little bit. Then maybe…” He smiled a gold-toothed grin to his friends in line behind us. “...go back to my place and get to know each other a little more?” 

Adora leaned further away and pried the hand off of her ass. “‘m flattered, but uh...Yer not really...my type.” 

He grabbed her wrist this time. “Sure I am. We’ve got matchin’ parts sweetheart. Why, we were practically made for each other.” Either he was actually viscerally revolting, or the alcohol wasn’t agreeing with her stomach. She was definitely too drunk for this. 

Adora knew the voice that interrupted. “What she means to say, Bill, is back the fuck off.” They both turned to see Catra, one hand on the bar and another on her hip, the picture of confidence. “Take a hint. Go sit down and get drunk with your buddies till you can actually stand yourself.” And with that, he walked away, grumbling and cursing under his breath. 

Adora sighed but was suddenly so much more nervous than before. She’d take 100 drunk creepy Bills over this one really intimidating Catra right now. “Hey, Adora.” She said it flatly, but it still made Adora feel shy. Catra’s voice was still smokey but richer now, as if the last few years had added more texture. Like wine! Her voice was like wine. “You gonna stand there all night, or are you going to order something?” 

What did she want? Shit. Drinks. Catra. “WINE!” It came out a bit more snappy than she would have liked. 

Catra raised her eyebrows. “You came to a bar to order wine?” 

Adora glanced around nervously at everyone else who had either beer or whisky. “Uh. Yeah.” Catra continued to give her that look. Make it seem natural. What do people say about drinks? “I like how...smooth it is.” Was it just her, or was the room starting to tilt a little bit back and forth? 

Catra scoffed. “Smooth? Adora, have you ever had a glass of wine in your life?” Say yes. Say yes. 

“I’ve tasted wine before, Catra.” She tried to emphasize her name to sound indignant, but it didn’t work. 

“So, no. That’s what I thought.” Nevertheless, Catra made a glass of wine appear and pushed it across the bar to Adora, who eyed it suspiciously. “Go ahead, princess. Take a sip. Let’s see how much you love wine.” 

“I will.” She wracked her brain for anything else to prove she knew what she was talking about. It was gonna taste bad, she knew that. She just wasn’t expecting it to taste as awful as it did. Who actually enjoyed their fruit rotten like this? She raised her eyebrows to keep them from furrowing together, and tried to suppress the shudder. “Mm. Dark reds are my favorite.” She went back for another sip. 

Catra laughed -really laughed this time. Adora felt like she was going to melt into the floor. It was so nice to hear her laugh again. “You’re so weird.” 

Adora cleared her throat, spinning the round glass in her hands. “So...how long have you worked here?” 

“You really wanna try and make small talk?” 

She stole a glance at Catra’s face and wished she hadn’t. She looked irritated now. Still so hot and cold. “No. I mean...in’t that what people do at bars?” 

“Sure, with their friends.” Ouch. Adora took another big gulp of wine. Why was it so warm. Wasn’t wine supposed to be cold? 

She silently nodded through the awkward silence that followed. “Right.” What to say now? “I did’n mean… “ to upset you. “...I mean, I thought that…” we could talk about things. “...it’s harder’n I thought it’d be.” She knew she sounded drunk. 

“Jesus, Adora. How drunk are you off that one drink?” So Catra DID see her when she came in! Oh. Then she really did just ignore her. Another gulp. “And why the hell are you still drinking that nasty ass wine? It’s painful. Why are you so stubborn?”

“Cause I’m at a bar, trying to talk to you.” For the first time tonight, she and Catra met eyes. They both felt the weight of that statement: trying to talk to you. 

“Fair enough.” Another awkward pause. Adora finished the wine and pushed the cup back to her. “So what is ‘your type’ anyways? It’s clearly not greasy lumberjacks. What, you like the clean-cut city lawyers? Suits and ties and that kind of thing?” 

Adora was feeling overwhelmed. Apparently wine hits you a lot faster than hard liquor. Her cheeks were burning again but she couldn’t tell if it was the question or the wine glow. Catra was genuinely asking that out of nowhere? After all this time? Adora shrugged and shook her head. Rodney wasn’t exactly a lawyer, but he was definitely a city boy. And he was definitely not her type. “No.” She kept her eyes glued to Catra’s hands washing and drying the glass. “I guess I don’t really...have a type.” Liar. Just tell her the truth. It’s not that hard. Say ‘I like women.’ But it was hard. It wasn’t possible to say that out loud -not to her. 

Catra turned to put the glass on a stack of others. Adora let her eyes trace the curves of Catra’s outline. Catra. Catra is your type. It was strange being near her again after so much time, after she had done so much introspection into her emotional state. She knew exactly what she was feeling, but that didn’t mean she was any more okay with it now then she was back then. But she had to be. So what, she found Catra attractive? It happens. People are attracted to other people -whatever. It didn’t have to be a big deal. It was good for her to recognize that about herself; it helped her understand a lot about her mental state as a teenager. 

Catra turned back around and Adora was embarrassed that she’d let her eyes linger on Catra’s chest just long enough for her to notice. Maybe ‘let’ was the wrong word. She couldn’t help it in the slightest, and it didn’t help that she was moving a bit slower. Either that or the world was moving awfully fast. Something about the way Catra’s expression changed made Adora incredibly nervous. She looked...alluring. She looked devilish. She motioned with her finger for Adora to come closer as she leaned over the bar, her other arm resting on the wood underneath her chest. Was she pushing her breasts up like that on purpose? They were a little bigger than the last time she’d seen Catra in a swim suit, but still had a shape that made Adora jealous. No, not jealous. That’s just what she used to tell herself it was. Catra’s chest made Adora curious as sin. 

Adora’s eyes were darting helplessly back and forth between Catra’s eyes -ever twinkling in that mischievous way -her lips, her chest, and the hand that was drawing nearer to Adora’s face. “Were you planning on saving this for later?” Adora was held captive by the rasp in Catra’s voice. Had she always been able to do that with her voice? Make it sound so good. Catra’s thumb touched the corner of her mouth and then dragged slowly over Adora’s bottom lip, leaving fire behind. Catra brought the finger to her own mouth and licked it, almost as if she actually wanted to make Adora keel over. She stayed leaned over the counter even as Catra stood up and put her hands on the bar, now giving Adora a patronizingly cocky expression. “The wine was five bucks.” 

Adora heard the honeyed voice but not the words. She was still zoning hard on Catra’s lips. “Dingus.” Catra snapped in front of her. Whoa. That was like being hypnotized. Her face was on fire. Did she even blink that whole time? Was she being totally obvious? Shit. 

She shook her head. “Right. Sorry, ‘forgot to pay you.” 

She pulled out a five and a couple ones and handed them over. “Thanks for the wine.” 

Catra raised her eyebrows and walked to the register. “Just doin’ my job.”


	5. Love's Cruel Sting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A painful flashback to their last fight.

4 Years Ago 

Catra had hardly slept that night. Her father came to visit her and she froze like she always did. This time seemed to last longer than usual. A lot longer. He kept talking about how much he cared, which just made things worse. Catra could never seem to shake the feeling of his hands off her skin, except with Adora. Things were always better with Adora. But she was leaving now that school was finished. She got her stupid AA and was off to some big university. Catra felt betrayed. 

They were supposed to meet tonight. The last time they talked, Adora had been super irritating. She was being super closed off and it was fucking obnoxious. Then when Catra started talking about Daniel, she got worse. Catra only brought him up because she knew it made Adora jealous, but she didn’t mean for it to make Adora so genuinely upset. It was pissing her off. Adora asked what it was like kissing him, and honestly, it wasn’t great. He didn’t really...do much, except keep his mouth open and slobber. Adora admitted that she didn’t know how to kiss and Catra offered to teach her. Adora’s cheeks went pink so fast. Thinking about it now, Catra couldn’t help but smile. This would be fun. 

It’s not like she’d never thought about kissing Adora before. Actually, she thought about it a lot. Sometimes when they were really close, it felt like they were magnets or something; it was hard not to get sucked all the way in. She never had that before. They never talked about it though. Catra wiped her eyes and got out of bed slowly before getting dressed. She put on some shorts and a t-shirt that she knotted to show off her naval. Adora would say she looked cute. She grabbed an apple and headed out the door. 

They decided to meet at the school today -nobody would be there. It was a 20 minute walk from her house. She knew Adora would beat her there on bike so she walked quickly. She didn’t want to make her too late. Besides, she was actually getting a bit excited at the prospect of kissing her best friend. It felt like it should have happened a lot sooner. Her excitement nearly doubled when the building came into view. She cut through the grass and trotted up the stone steps to the backside of the building past the track. No sign of Adora yet. That was okay. She needed to get this giddiness out anyways. 

But ten minutes, twenty minutes, forty minutes passed and Adora still didn’t show up. Catra’s excitement had converted to anger. When Adora finally showed up, she looked even more tired than Catra felt. “Another lecture from your mom?” 

Adora was pushing her bike but finally let it stop and put the kickstand up. “I’ve been waiting here for almost an hour.” Adora gave her apologetic eyes.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t get away.” Bullshit. You’re just scared of disappointing mommy. Catra was getting increasingly more annoyed. Adora wasn’t even looking at her the way she thought she would. 

“Well, c’mere.” Catra stepped closer and tucked a stray hair back. Adora looked confused. Catra’s heart was pounding. 

“Uh, Catra?” Catra leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips -gentler than she’d meant to. Adora’s eyes stayed wide open. “W-wh-” Her face was slowly becoming more red.

“You wanted me to help you practice kissing, remember?” 

“R-right. Yeah. That.” 

“So kiss me.” Catra put one hand on Adora’s neck, and the other grabbed the top of her shirt as she pulled herself back in. Adora tilted her head down and closed her eyes. She had the softest lips...this was way different than kissing Daniel. This was good -like, really good. Catra licked at Adora’s bottom lip and Adora mimicked her before breaking away abruptly. 

“What do I do with my hands?” She was trying to catch her breath. God, she was such a dork.

“Whatever you want.” But Catra heard herself breathing hard too. When had she gotten so out of breath? Adora spastically dove back in again, this time her arms wrapped around Catra’s waist and pulled her. As one hand slid down and the other travelled up her back, Catra smiled into their kiss. Adora was kinda ballsy. The upper hand found its way to Catra’s hair and tugged softly, causing pressure to build inside of her and she moaned, trying to release some of it. The hand on Catra’s lower back drifted lower and squeezed, pressing them together. Fuck this was hot. Why hadn’t they done this before? She let her tongue make another move for Adora’s mouth. Adora caught it between her lips and started sucking on it. Shit. She didn’t even know that was a thing people did. Catra felt her knees go weak and she moaned again. Why couldn’t she stop doing that?

Catra felt herself panic. She was losing control. SHE was supposed to be in control, not Adora. She was supposed to be teaching her how to kiss, not getting lessons. She broke away and shoved Adora back against the brick wall behind her. She let out a hiss of air, like she’d been hurt. What a fucking drama queen. “Ow.” 

“Oh, you big baby.” Catra moved in to continue the kiss. Adora held up a hand to stop her, still making a pained face. “I didn’t push you that hard.” Really? They were going to have this sexy ass makeout session, and it gets a little rough and Adora backs down. Bullshit. 

“Catra, wait. There's -” 

Catra grabbed her wrist and pushed it down by her side, taking her jaw with the other hand to give Catra access to her neck. She felt Adora go rigid for a moment. Catra started kissing the side of her neck and she relaxed a little, but it still wasn’t the same. So fucking stupid. “Catra, stop. I need to-”

Catra pushed her back against the wall, gentler this time, breathing into her. Had she always smelled this good? What if Catra never got to smell her skin again? Adora was leaving in two months. Fear gripped her chest. “Ow. Catra, that hurts.” Catra let go of Adora and stepped back. The look on Adora’s face made her feel like she was shattering into a million pieces. She looked scared, really scared. It made Catra furious. What, like she was really hurting Adora? Like she was being attacked. Like she had hated every second of it. Like the way Catra looked at her father. 

SHE was the one who put her arms around Catra. SHE was the one who asked for this in the first place. And now Adora was looking at her like...like…“Catra, I’m leaving tomorrow.” 

Catra swears she hears the noise of the world spinning. “You what?” Tears already threatened to spill over. “No, you’re leaving in two months.” It wasn’t a question. She didn’t take her eyes off Adora’s, which were now a watery blue. She shook her head with those fucking apologetic eyes and Catra lost her mind. A moment of silence and heavy breathing. “You’re leaving in TWO MONTHS!” 

Adora shook her head and took in a shaky breath. “Catra, I have to tell you someth-” 

“NO! You don’t get to make me wait out here for you, so you can kiss me like THAT and then tell me that I’m never gonna see you again!” She knows she could be quieter but she doesn’t care. She’s too angry. Angry that Adora is leaving. Angry she hurt Adora. Angry she’s fucking crying about all of it. Angry there’s nothing she can do to change it. 

“If you would just calm down and listen, I-” 

“Calm down? Calm down?!” Catra sobbed and she hated it. “You’re supposed to be my best friend, but you’re leaving me here in this shithole, and yeah, I’m fucking upset about it. But I guess it doesn’t bother you at all, right?” Her throat hurt from forcing herself to speak through the tears. Yell, really. Adora took a tentative step forward. 

“Of course I’m upset about it! You think leaving is easy for me? This was the hardest decision of my life, Catra.” She could tell from the pain on Adora’s face that she wasn’t lying but that almost seemed to make it worse. How could this possibly be as hard for her as it was for Catra? She just needed to kiss her one more time, so she would remember. She grabbed Adora’s shirt collar again and took a quick step forward, eyes locked on Adora’s lips. She flinched. She flinched like Catra was going to really hurt her. She let go slowly, eyes still on her lips, knowing she couldn’t have that last kiss. 

“You think I was going to hit you?” She really thinks I’m a monster. “You must really hate me, huh? Don’t worry, the feeling is mutual.” Catra wanted to disappear. She wanted to float away or melt into the ground so Adora couldn’t look at her with that expression anymore. Pity. Guilt. Her voice was giving out and she was having trouble controlling her breathing. “I wish we’d never met.” 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

She’d found Adora’s final transcript from the community college under her mattress. When she first got ahold of Adora, Adora thought she was actually going to try to kill her. But no, she knew her mother better than that. She knew her punishment would be something to endure, something that would stick with her for the rest of this life -death would be too easy. And it would have been compared to this. Adora’s knees burned from every grain, like getting stabbed with a million needles. No matter how often or what way she shifted, there was no relief. And her back...the air stung the open wounds on her back. She knew she was still bleeding, even though she had been here for maybe an hour already, maybe two. She could tell by the sun that she was going to be late to meet Catra. Her heart sunk at the thought, but she couldn’t risk her mom catching her. She was angry enough right now that Adora didn’t dare get caught leaving punishment early. 

She couldn’t take a whole summer of this. Mrs. Razz knew what was going on, even though Adora didn’t tell her, she’d seen the bruises on her arm one day and she knew. She said she would give Adora a place to stay outside of town, and she could help file the police report. The worst part was, Adora didn’t have any guilt about it either. She knew something was very wrong. She knew she needed to leave -tonight. So what the hell, right? She was already running away. She might as well run now. She stood, faltering only once as blood finally rushed to her feet. She knew she was numb right now, but she would feel everything later. So now was the time to really run, while she couldn’t feel it. 

Her mother was in the garage, no doubt looking for a broomstick to whoop her with. She climbed in her bedroom window, threw on a tank top and a black shirt, and pulled on the loosest pair of jeans she owned, still wincing. Her back was already excruciating. Every movement she made, she felt the skin pull at the cuts. Back out the window, and away she went. She swore she’d never pedalled her bike so fast. She felt free. She hurt like hell, but she had confidence. She was going to tell Catra everything. She’d start with her mom, then naturally transition into running away, and finally ask Catra to come with her. The further she pedalled, the less adrenaline she had, and the more she began to feel every push, pull, and pedal. Her knees felt like they were throbbing. She had to get off her bike and walk it the rest of the way. 

When she finally saw Catra come into view, she got nervous. How should she start? What should she talk about first? “Another lecture from your mom?” 

Adora stopped and put the kickstand up, relieved to stand still for even just a second. “I’ve been waiting here for almost an hour.” Adora felt bad, she knew she was late. But she was here now. And she was going to fix everything. 

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t get away.” Not technically a lie. 

“Well, c’mere.” Catra stepped closer and reached her hand up to brush a piece of her hair back behind her ear. Catra didn’t usually stand this close. Adora felt her heart rate pick up in her knees. 

“Uh, Catra?” Catra leaned in slowly to press her lips to Adora’s. Adora just watched her lean in, panicking inwardly the whole time. Adora’s eyes stayed wide open. “W-wh-” She felt herself blush. All the words she’d been holding back for years just sort of fell away. 

“You wanted me to help you practice kissing, remember?” 

Adora did remember. But she didn’t think they’d actually do it! “R-right. Yeah. That.” 

“So kiss me.” Whoa. Okay. Catra put one hand on Adora’s neck, and the other grabbed the top of her shirt as she pulled herself back in. Adora felt the fabric tighten against her cuts but she didn’t care -this was way more important that bleeding. Adora tilted her head down and her eyes closed. Catra’s lips were so soft, and she tasted...not particularly like anything at all. Adora had never tasted a mouth that wasn’t her own. Did that even make sense? Did people have different tastes? Catra licked at Adora’s bottom lip and Adora’s mind seemed to just let go of anything else. She felt weird though, like her hands should be doing something...She broke away. 

“What do I do with my hands?” Her and Catra were both breathing hard. 

“Whatever you want.” Whatever I want? What do I want? Adora spastically dove back in again, this time her arms wrapped around Catra’s waist and pulled her. This is what I want. I just want to be close to you. One hand slid down and the other travelled up her back, appreciating the curve of her waist on the way there. The upper hand pushed through Catra’s curls and tugged softly, drawing a moan from Catra that lit her stomach on fire. She didn’t know Catra’s voice could do that. Catra was so, so...sexy. The fingers dancing on Catra’s lower back slid down to cup her ass and press them together. This was amazing. Why hadn’t they done this before? Catra’s tongue made another move for Adora’s mouth. Adora caught it between her lips and started sucking on it. Catra seemed to go a little slack and she moaned again, this time with an open mouth. The sound tore through Adora, made her feel like this was the only thing that mattered.

Suddenly, Catra broke away and shoved Adora back against the brick wall behind her. The pain shocked her back to reality. She let out a hiss of air “Ow.” Fuck. I’m supposed to be talking with Catra. I’m supposed to tell her everything. 

“Oh, you big baby.” Catra stepped towards her again, wishing she could just give in to those eyes. Adora held up a hand to stop her, feeling the fabric of her shirt now stuck to the blood on her back. That seemed to upset Catra. “I didn’t push you that hard.” 

“Catra, wait. There's -” 

Catra grabbed her wrist and pushed it down by her side, taking her jaw with the other hand. Adora felt her body respond, preparing for some kind of punishment. Wait, this was Catra. Not her mother. Catra started kissing the side of her neck and the warmth of her breath felt good. Her body started to relax a little. But no, wait, she needed to talk to Catra, as much as this was nice. “Catra, stop. I need to-”

Catra pushed her back against the wall again, a little less hard, but goddamn it still hurt. “Ow. Catra, that hurts.” Catra let go of Adora and stepped back. Adora watched Catra’s expression change and she knew she had to say something. Tell her about your mother. Tell her she hits you. Tell her you think you love her. Tell her you want her to come with you. “Catra, I’m leaving tomorrow.” 

Catra takes a step back and Adora knows that was the wrong thing to lead with. “You what?” Catra’s eyes are watering and that makes Adora start to cry. “No, you’re leaving in two months.” It wasn’t a question. She looked betrayed, shaking her head. “You’re leaving in TWO MONTHS!” 

Adora shook her head and took in a shaky breath. “Catra, I have to tell you someth-” 

“NO! You don’t get to make me wait out here for you, so you can kiss me like THAT and then tell me that I’m never gonna see you again!” Catra’s voice was giving out. Adora needed her to calm down. 

“If you would just calm down and listen, I-” 

“Calm down? Calm down?!” Catra sobbed and it broke Adora’s heart. “You’re supposed to be my best friend, but you’re leaving me here in this shithole, and yeah, I’m fucking upset about it. But I guess it doesn’t bother you at all, right?” 

What? That’s just not fair. “Of course I’m upset about it! You think leaving is easy for me? This was the hardest decision of my life, Catra.” Had Adora really done such a terrible job of expressing herself all of this time. Did Catra really have no clue how much she meant to her? Without warning, Catra reached out and grabbed Adora’s shirt collar again, stepping an aggressive step forward. Adora’s body responded, preparing for punishment. She felt herself flinch and wished she could take it back. Catra let go slowly, stepping back, broken. 

“You think I was going to hit you?” No. Adora shook her head. NO! “You must really hate me, huh? Don’t worry, the feeling is mutual.” Adora would have rather taken twenty more lashes than hear Catra say those words. “I wish we’d never met.” Adora tried to call out to her but her voice was gone. Her throat was too tight and the words were too much right now. What was worse, her body hurt too much to chase after Catra. She had never felt so miserable and worthless in her whole life.


	6. Temper, Temper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra goes to talk to Adora.

Catra thought about her conversation with Adora that night as she wiped the bar. She always believed people looked attractive from a distance, but then once you got up close, they were ugly. All the pores and sweat and asymmetry. But not Adora -never Adora. It happened that way that night. She saw her walk in with those two and immediately hated how good she looked in that stuffy-ass shirt. But then when she came to the bar, when she leaned in and Catra really looked at her -she was even more dangerously beautiful. That square jaw and steely eyes beneath long eyelashes. Her lips were still soft -softer than she remembered -although a bit fuller now. In fact, all of her seemed fuller now. She had hips and her shoulders did the nice broad thing, and even in that fucking business blouse, she had nice tits. 

Teasing her like that was the highlight of Catra’s night -the way she was oogling. Hell, she was easier than half the men in this bar. Adora was still so easily flustered. It almost seemed like she did still have a little crush on her. Catra loved watching her stutter. Maybe her friend was right -how cute. Catra couldn’t deny that it felt refreshing to talk to her, like she’d been holding her breath for four long years and now she could finally exhale out all that stale air. She also couldn’t pretend it was utterly exhilarating to have Adora’s attention like that again. The electricity between them was almost like that last time they were together -before it went to shit. Such a bitter thought. Still, the idea of having Adora wrapped around her finger was delicious. Maybe she would have to have a meeting with the counselor after all. 

Business was boring as hell the next day. Financial analysis was the topic. She took notes, struggling to keep up, but still determined to do well enough. By the end of the class, her hand was cramping and she had a bump on her ring finger from the pencil digging in. She walked slowly across the campus, dreading this math course. She only half did the pre-homework last night. It was 10 questions and she answered all of them, but she didn’t understand most of it. Hell, she didn’t even understand her own damn answers. She took a seat next to the blue-haired shrimp, who offered her a piece of gum. “Thanks.” Cinnamon, not her favorite. The teacher pointed to the smart board with a ruler. “Now, in terms of real and complex numbers, these functions…” aaaaand Catra was gone. 

She was already thinking of seeing Adora today. What would she say? “Ms. Hordak?” Catra blinked. Everyone was staring at her. 

“Yes.” 

“Question number 9 from last night’s homework.” 

“Yes?” What about it? She knew she couldn’t say that. People still giggled. 

“What was your answer?” The teacher looked incredulous. Catra fucking hated school. 

“Right.” She opened her book to the page she stuck the worksheet in and looked at it. This was going to be a long class. 

As it turned out, that was the worst of it. She did kind of understand what was going on after that. Some shit about graphs and counting boxes under the lines -seemed easy enough for her. When the bell rang to release them, she was still thankful that it was over though. She walked straight to the health building and into the reception room. That same lady was there. “How can I help you today?” 

Catra glanced back at some lanky dude sitting on the chairs behind her, suddenly feeling embarrassed to be asking to see the counselor. “I’m here to see, uh...Adora.” 

The woman adjusted her glasses. “Ms. Grayskull? Yes, of course. I’ll check her schedule.” Grayskull? She changed her name? She really must have hated everything about this place. There was a sour taste in Catra’s mouth. “It looks like she’s actually booked up this afternoon, but you could come see her tomorrow.” What? Ugh. Fine. 

“Sounds good.” 

“What time would you like?” 

“Uh, 2?” 

“Alrighty, I’ll go ahead and put you down for that. Tomorrow at 2 it is.” 

“Thanks.” Well, now what? She had enough energy still, she could use a good workout. She hit the gym before going home to help Scorpia with inventory. Nothing like counting bottles, boxes, and bags to take your mind off your kind-of-ex. About halfway through she unintentionally let out a sigh. 

“What’s wrong, wildcat?” Catra debated for a moment. Usually Scorpia gave her advice that she didn’t want to hear. But then again, Scorpia was usually right and the reason Catra didn’t want to hear it was because she had been an asshole. She sighed again and spilled more of her guts than she’d meant to, nearly making herself out of breath. Scorpia already knew who Adora was and why this all was so crazy for Catra. 

After she was finished talking, Scorpia just nodded and thought silently for a time. She folded her arms over a box of mixers. “Sounds like you two just need to talk. And it sounds like YOU need to listen -really listen. I know sometimes you’re a bit too hot-headed -” 

“What?! I am not!”   
Scorpia just gave her the look. Shit. I just interrupted her. Fuck. Okay. “Give this girl the chance to speak what’s on her mind. You two obviously care about each other still, otherwise it wouldn’t be so hard.” Huh. She’d never thought of it that way. Adora did piss her off like nobody else. Maybe she really did still care, even after all this time. How lame. She would just have to wait and see what tomorrow brought. But as she struggled through her homework, and ate dinner, and even as she laid in bed that night, tossing and turning, she got increasingly more skittish about what tomorrow would bring. What was she so afraid of? Rejection, again. And that was the thought that kept her up. 

She hardly slept, which was stupid. She had nothing to be anxious about. They were just going to talk. It was going to be fine. So why didn’t she have a single goddamn piece of clothing that looked decent on her? Not one fucking thing. This shirt didn’t fit her right and those pants looked stupid. She settled on a pair of leggings and a long-sleeve shirt that hung off the shoulders. Necklace? No necklace? Necklace. Catra put on make-up a bit more carefully than she usually did -she added a little bit of highlighter to her cheekbones and nose. That made her feel a bit more confident. 

Classes did drag on though. She thought somebody must have been playing a joke. The clock read 11:30 for at LEAST twenty minutes. Finally, they were released and she practically jogged to the health building. She had to fight the urge to smile when she approached the desk. The reception lady gave her a funny look. “You’re a bit early but I’m sure Mrs. Grayskull will be with you shortly. Go ahead and have a seat.” 

She was bouncing her legs up and down so fast, the girl next to her glanced over and looked at her like she was a freak. She didn’t care. When the door finally opened, she felt like she was ready to jump through it. Another girl came out, red-eyed and sniffling, Adora handing her another tissue. “I’ll see you next week, Tina.” There was a softness there in her voice that Catra knew all too well. She missed it. Adora was always like that -caring, sympathetic. She looked up, halting Catra’s jitters with the blue of her eyes. “Catrina.” What? That threw her off. Only teachers called her by her first name, and even then she’d make them change it later. Adora only ever called her Catrina to get under her skin. It was working like a charm now. Adora approached her and held out her hand. “My name is Adora Grayskull, you can call me by either name.” She was giving Catra an urging look. Catra played along, suspiciously. 

“Uh, Catra. You can call me Catra.” 

“If you’ll just follow me, we’ll be in this room.” Catra followed, admiring the tightness of Adora’s slacks. Adora closed the door behind them. 

“Dude, what’s with the formality?” 

Adora made an exasperated hand gesture. “This is totally unprofessional!” Adora could be such a dork when she got all worked up. Catra plopped down on one of the big chairs. 

“What’s unprofessional?”

Adora motioned between the two of them. “This! Us. Right now! I can’t actually be your counselor.” 

“Duh.” Catra was looking around at her office -so Adora. “I’m not here to be counselled.” She stopped at the little name plate that said ‘Grayskull’.

Adora sighed. “Well they don’t know that, so you’ll be billed as if I’m your counselor. Because that IS my job. That’s what I do. I counsel. This is my office, where I counsel students. And you’re here...so…” Catra hadn’t thought of that. Her insurance would cover it, but still, that sucked. 

“Well, you said you wanted to talk, so I figured we could do that.” Adora sighed and sat down in the chair across from her. She pinched the bridge of her nose between her finger and thumb. Catra smiled -Adora only ever did that post-hangover. “That wine really got you the other night, huh?”

Adora looked up, nodding. “You’re right, I hate wine.” 

“Then why drink it?” 

Adora shrugged. “I guess I was trying to impress you or something, I don’t know.” Catra’s heart fluttered. 

“Well you did one hell of a job. I was just impressed you didn’t get it on that nice shirt. What’s with all the stuffy clothes anyways?” Catra nodded at Adora’s navy blouse. She did look good though. 

Adora looked down and then back up at Catra, seemingly annoyed. “It’s called business casual, and it’s my work attire. Not all of us can walk around at work with our tits out.” Oof. So she wanted to play it that way, huh? 

Catra cocked her head to the side and grinned. “Oh, so you noticed?” Adora blinked at her, blushing a little bit. Gotcha. “I thought your eyes were looking a bit low last night.” Another flush of color. 

“Wh-” Adora shook her head. “that’s besides the point. The point is, I work with students -minors - who need to take me seriously. I’m supposed to be like...like a parent to them, totally unappealing physically.” Well you’re doing a terrible job. “I’m supposed to be comforting to them.” You are. 

“Nice painting.” Catra nodded at the big floral painting on the wall. It was one of the nicer gifts she’d given Adora. She didn’t miss the flash of sadness cross Adora’s face. “So why change your name?” 

Adora just looked at her for a second. “Because I wanted nothing to do with my mom.” 

“Why Grayskull?” 

“It was the last name of somebody who helped me get away from her.” Catra had heard she got arrested and thrown in jail, but nobody knew what for. They just came and took her away one night. She wanted to ask why, but she could tell Adora didn’t want to talk about it right now. “So...are you a student here?”   
“Yeah. I’m getting my GED. Finishing up some of those classes now.” 

Adora looked surprised. “Catra, that’s...that’s amazing. I’m proud of you.” A wave of...something flooded over Catra. She hated that she apparently had needed to hear those words. She wanted to call them patronizing but she knew that wasn’t true. 

“The woman who owns the Fright Zone is opening another location in the city because it’s done so well here. But before she goes she wants me to take over and manage it, so I’m taking some business classes as well.” 

“Wow. When does she move?” Something changed, Adora looked sad. 

“August.” The air seemed still in the room, like there was something neither of them wanted to be said out loud. 

“And your dad?” Catra huffed. 

“What about him?”

Adora’s eyes were apologizing again, as if she were sorry for asking in the first place. “I mean...how...is he?” 

The last time Catra saw him, he was on dialysis for kidney failure. She shrugged. “Don’t know, don’t care.” 

“Catra…” 

She met Adora’s eyes, crystalline blue -all she ever wanted. Why was this so fucking hard? “I didn’t come here to be counselled.” 

“I’m not trying to counsel you, I just wanted to know-” 

“Well you would know all about it if you had been here instead of running away.” Adora looked down, nodding. That was it; she said her piece. Adora backed down. She should be done. “But then you waltz back in here like nothing and, what, expect us to be friends again?” Scorpia was right. She really was hot-headed. But she didn’t know how to turn it off. 

“No. No, I didn’t. But YOU came to talk to ME today.” Fuck you, Adora. The worst part was, she was right. 

Catra stood up. “Yeah, well...it was a mistake.” She started for the door. “I’ll let myself out.”


	7. Look Good, Feel Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adora works up the courage to go talk to Catra, FINALLY.

Clearly nothing had changed. Catra still held just as much bitter resentment as the day she left. Adora really just needed Catra to know her side, then she could be as pissed off as she wanted. Adora wanted the ball to be in her proverbial court, a clear conscience knowing that she did what she could to provide closure. She had to find a way to be able to just talk to Catra, but she was always so damn nervous to do it. This whole thing was just so screwed up. They basically needed a couple’s therapy session with a proper mediator -or a lot of alcohol. One of the two. The alcohol was more doable. 

Catra hadn’t come back to see her that week, which Adora was surprised to find made her feel a little bit sad. Relieved, but sad. Maybe she really did have some deep expectation that they might be friends again. She tried to imagine what it would be like to just sit and talk with her as friends now. She could see Catra in a ratty old t-shirt and leggings, sprawled out on the couch. They would joke about some crazy patron at the bar Catra had to deal with and she would laugh -maybe they would make cookies or something. Catra did like her sweets. Adora would run her fingers through Catra’s hair and then over her forehead, down her cheek. Catra would just melt and time would seem frozen -a perfect moment of intimacy. 

Uh oh. Maybe closure wasn’t the only thing she wanted. Adora strongly disliked that she still apparently had feelings. Why? Why was it so bad that she still had feelings? So many possible explanations. Because it had been a very one-sided friendship from the start. Because Catra wouldn’t reciprocate and she was scared of rejection. Because maybe that idealized relationship wouldn’t ever come to fruition. Because she knew that if it ever did, it would be so riddled with resentment and guilt that it could never be healthy for them. That. Probably that. 

Adora sighed and sunk lower in the bath, trying to let the warm water sap the tension out of her soul the way it did her muscles. She took a deep breath. She needed to explain to Catra why she left and to say what she needed to say, just get it over with. Where was Catra at 8:30 on a Friday night? The Fright Zone. She didn’t really want to go there tonight. She felt so clean at the moment -bars always made her feel kind of...gross. Or maybe it was that any time she went to a bar she ended up drinking, and really any alcohol was too much alcohol for her. One drink was one too many. 

Maybe it could still be good though -she’d feel clean and this was going to be like a fresh start. She got out and drained the tub before putting on her fluffy robe. Glimmer was watching a movie downstairs. “Hey Glimmer?” Probably some old romance -Gone With the Wind was her favorite. She made Adora watch it like 3 times, and she slept through half of it every time. 

She sat up a bit straighter but didn’t take her eyes off the movie, as if she wasn’t about to see something she’d seen a hundred times. “Huh.” Bringing popcorn up her mouth, hypnotized by whatever totally predictable scene was unfolding in front of her. 

“Wanna go out tonight?” 

The question made Glimmer wrench her eyes away from the TV. “Are you feeling okay?” She even paused it, now looking very concerned. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just really need to get this talk with Catra over with and I want to see if I can catch her at the bar.” 

“Ah. I see.” She took another handful of popcorn. “And you’re sure you want to have that conversation at the bar? I mean, that’s where she works.” Adora laughed to herself. Like ‘respecting the workplace’ meant anything to Catra. 

“I feel like I just want to get this all off my chest and over with, you know? The sooner the better. I’m probably going to try and stay until whenever the bar closes and I’ll talk to her then. You guys could uber back early if you want.” 

Glimmer scoffed. “Does this town even have uber?” 

Shit. That’s right. They weren’t in the city anymore. “Well…” Adora recalled Earl, the town’s only taxi driver. He was a sweet, albeit slightly dirty man, who had no regard for personal space -but overall he was harmless. “There is one taxi guy in town. Just don’t take the gum if he offers you any.” 

Glimmer scrunched her nose and shook her head. “I won’t even ask.” She stood up. “Bow gets off work in a couple hours. Friday nights are definitely turning out to be busy at the restaurant.” She took Adora’s hands and smiled. “He can meet us there. I’d never say no to a night on the town. BUT…” she booped Adora’s nose with her finger. “...you are absolutely letting me dress you this time. Look good, feel good!” 

That was Glimmer’s mantra, and she certainly pulled it off well. Whenever she felt down or insecure, she put twice as much time into her appearance as she normally did, and poof! She ruled the world. Adora, on the other hand, felt like an imposter whenever she was “dressed up.” She knew that most all of her bodily insecurities had to do with her insecurities about gender. Her closet was either athleisure wear or business casual, with no inbetween. She always admired other womens’ style -seeming effortlessly feminine. Adora felt too boxy to fit into those kinds of clothes -like her shoulders were too broad and she had no waist. Not quite masculine, but not femenine either -she was hopelessly lost somewhere in between. 

Glimmer had her wear the one casual pair of jeans she owned, some less business-y black-heeled boots, and one of Glimmer’s supposedly ‘longer’ crop tops. Adora was thankful that it did actually cover her midriff, so long as she kept her arms down or didn’t bend at all. And it had long sleeves, like somebody took a perfectly good crew neck and just cut the bottom right off. Glimmer made Adora keep her hair down so that she could braid it -Adora was always impressed when she did that. She had never really known how to do things with her hair. Her mother always taught her that it was a waste of time, something shameless girls did to get the attention of men. She knew that wasn’t true. Even back then, Adora knew her mother was wrong about a lot of things. 

Glimmer squealed. “You look SO good. How do you feel?” 

Adora sized herself up in the mirror. It was funny. If she looked at her features individually, she looked the exact same as she always did, but when she zoomed out and saw herself as a whole, she was almost unrecognizable. Tall, blonde hair falling just above her collarbones, striking features. All she could think was: who is that? “I guess I feel...different?”

“Good different? Bad different?” 

Adora shrugged. “Good?” 

She threw a fist up. “YES. Okay, I’m gonna change and get myself ready and then we can go. As she watched her friend disappear up the stairs, Adora already began having second thoughts. There was so much potential for this to go wrong, but she’d never know if she didn’t try. Adora hated that being back here, being around Catra, made her feel like she had never left. It was almost as if crossing the county line teleported them back in time and she was a scared, closeted teenager again.   
She was thankful when Glimmer’s re-entrance to the room gave her something else to think about. “Ta-da!” A purple bralette under a light sweater thing, some high-waisted jeans, and a full face of makeup. Glamorous as ever. How was she always so fast? They put on some upbeat music for the drive and Glimmer was being an excellent hype-woman, but Adora was getting progressively more anxious about seeing Catra. 

They were both surprised when the parking lot was full. Club music could be heard rattling the walls from the inside. One look and Adora knew she didn’t really want to go inside -she could tell it was crowded from the fogged up, dripping windows. She was right. Stepping inside was like walking in a sauna -a really, really loud, packed sauna that smelled like sweat and beer. Scratch that -it tasted like beer. The air was so thick, it was almost like Adora never left the bath. Jeans were definitely not the right call. 

Tables had been pushed to the corners of the room and there was actually a crowd of people dancing -it was a very different place than earlier in the week. Glimmer was stoked. She’d practically danced her way inside. Apparently all the young people in this town come out on Friday nights. Looking around, Adora knew some of these people were not 21; she was pretty sure one of them had come to the health center that week. 

She turned to glimmer. “I’m gonna try to find Catra.” 

“What?”

She wasn’t surprised Glimmer didn’t hear her. She didn’t even hear her own voice. “I’M GOING TO TRY AND FIND CATRA.” 

“WHAT?”

She leaned down so she could yell right in her friend’s ear. “BAR.” 

Glimmer gave her a thumb’s up and pointed to her phone as she started dancing her way to the crowd, mouthing “text me”. Her heart beat just a little bit faster as she shimmied and squeezed her way through groups of people. This HAD to be the most popular bar in town -practically the whole town was here! She recognized the baker and his wife, the guy who owned the plant nursery, a couple mechanics, and the lady that worked at the post office. She wondered how many people here even took notice of her -would any of them remember her? Adora found an opening at the bar and went for it, but there was no Catra on the other side. She was both relieved and annoyed simultaneously. There was a dark-haired, bearded man with lots of tattoos, a heavier-set woman with an equal amount of piercings, and a tall short-haired woman that Adora recognized. Scorpia. She was the owner, the one who Catra went to a lot in their last years of high school. 

Adora waited to get her attention. “What can I get for you?” 

“Hi, actually I was hoping Catra would be here tonight.” The woman looked up, surprised at first but then recognition flashed across her face and her eyes softened. 

“You must be Adora. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Uh oh. “She’s got the night off. She’s probably upstairs.” 

Adora must have looked like she didn’t understand. Scorpia nodded towards a door that said “employees only”. She pointed as if to ask if that’s what she meant. The taller woman nodded. “Through the kitchen and up the stairs.” 

“Thank you.” Adora started making her way through the people again, doing her best not to rub against other people or the walls -or really anything. The two men working in the kitchen looked at her like she was lost as she walked slowly through, unsure herself as to whether or not she knew what she was doing. She reached a steep wooden stairway that was stained a dark color. The steps creaked under her weight as she started climbing. The music was less loud back here -that gave Adora’s thoughts space to make themselves heard. No turning back now. This is it. There’s the door. Almost there. I’ve just gotta knock before I lose my nerve and-

As she lifted her hand to knock, the door opened and she paused at the step below. A sweaty man stepped through the doorway, so busy fixing the buckle and zipper on his pants that he practically walked right into her. He stopped just before. “Oh, pardon me darlin’, I-” their eyes met and Adora blinked back at him as they recognized one another. “Ho-ly shit. Adora Weaver.” 

His hairline had receded dramatically and he’d lost the athletic body, but it was most definitely Daniel Hobkins. Coming out of Catra’s apartment...fixing his pants...Adora felt a familiar lump of territorial jealousy sitting in her stomach like a bowling ball. She swore the step creeked under the extra weight. It didn’t help that she knew she didn’t have the right to feel possessive over Catra anymore -if she ever did. It’s not like Catra even knew she was ever interested romantically, let alone reciprocated. She could do whatever she wanted -whoever she wanted. 

“My God, in high school everyone thought you was queer -dressin’ like a boy n’all, but look at at you now!” Are you serious? Screw you. He clearly hadn’t changed. Still a bigot. 

So many things she’d like to say back to that. So many things. But she kept her composure somehow. “I AM queer, Daniel.” Everything about her body language said ‘we’re done’. Why was he so dim? How could Catra still be sleeping with him after all this time? Were they dating? No. Catra was still just using him for sex. No, not even sex. Catra was using him to cope with her trauma. 

“You sure? You don’t look like one of them dykes.” After a brief appraisal, his eyes got big and he pointed to the door. “Did you ever-” It didn’t matter what the reason was. Catra was so much better than this pigheaded asshat of a man.

“No.”

“Really? There were some stories goin’ ‘round about you two.” He made a suggestion with his hands and Adora had to stop herself from responding with a hand gesture of her own. Catra didn’t really find him attractive, did she?

“I’m sure there were.” She stepped forward and knocked on the door, harder than she probably would have had she not encountered Daniel in this very, very small stairway. “If you’ll excuse me -” 

“Well if you’re interested, I’m sure Catra wouldn’t mind if you joined us the next time.” Ugh, God. “I could probably change your mind about some things” Gross. He stepped a bit closer and smiled what was probably supposed to be a charming grin. “I oughtta warn you though, she likes to be a bit rough” Adora didn’t know whether it was his heavy breathing or the one faint scratch she could see on the side of his jaw, no doubt from Catra’s sharp nails, that made her stomach turn. Probably both. In this light, Daniel looked a bit like Catra’s father. No wonder she liked to scratch him.

The door opened and they both turned to see Catra in a kimono, staring down at them looking annoyed. “What are you doing here?”


	8. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were just about to have the talk aaaaaannnnd...

She’d asked for the day off weeks ago because she knew she was going to need a little bit of R & R after the first week back to school. Scorpia was going to use it to train two of the bartenders she was hiring at the new location so they learned to make all the drinks right and familiarize themselves with the menu. Still, she couldn’t help but feel like she was going to get a call from Scorpia halfway through the night asking her to come back down. Those new bartenders probably wouldn’t be able to handle a busy night like this. The music was loud and she could practically feel how many people there were just based on the temperature. She had two windows open and a fan going to get a cross-breeze. 

She’d struggled with homework for the last couple hours. Now that the music was this loud and she really couldn’t concentrate, her frustration peaked. Since it was too late to go to the gym, the only logical thing to do was to call Daniel. Go figure, he was downstairs at the bar. The obedient dog he is, it didn’t take long for him to make his drunken way upstairs. She teased him until he was beat red and blubbering, whispering words she didn’t even listen to. All she cared about was that he was in the palm of her hand and she could do just about anything she wanted. It was a good feeling -a nice little confidence booster. When she got bored of teasing him, she kicked him out. 

He protested. “But I didn’t-” 

“I know.” 

“Well, can you at least-” 

“No. “ She stepped into her room to fully undress and put on her robe. 

“Then c’n I just do it myself? It’ll take like two minutes, tops” 

She rolled her eyes, brushing her hair out from under the neckline of the kimono. “No.” She didn’t trust him to not make a mess. “I’m going to shower.” She didn’t hear any movement from the other room. Catra walked back out to glare at him. “Daniel, fucking leave!” 

“Jesus, woman. Okay. Alright.” He started to get dressed again. She stayed there until he was haphazardly tucking his shirt in before walking back into the bathroom. Once she heard the door close, she turned the water on and waited for it to get warm. Finally. God he was so hard to get rid of. All she wanted was somebody to play a little game of push-and-shove now and again. Was that too much to ask for? 

She heard a knock at the door and a fresh wave of irritation rolled over her. I knew those new bartenders couldn’t hack it. She practically stomped to the door, ready to tell Scorpia to give her 30 minutes and then she’d be down to save their asses. As she got closer, she could still hear Daniel through the door. Why the hell is he still here? She wrenched it open to find him and Adora, looking exasperated. Fuck me. 

“What are you doing here?” 

Adora opened her mouth but Daniel beat her to it. “I ‘s just catchin’ up with Adora here-” 

“Not you. I know what the fuck you’re doing here -leaving.” 

“Now, just hear me out. She’s a lesbian, so I was th-” 

“Oh, for Christ’s sake!” Catra grabbed Adora’s arm and practically pulled her through the doorway. 

“-we could have a three-” The door slammed shut on Daniel. I think the fuck not. 

There was an awkward moment of quiet before either of them regained their bearings. Adora had one arm crossed over her chest and the other gesturing to the door. “Gosh, I missed him.” For once, they really looked at each other and Catra’s usual state of annoyance paused just long enough to acknowledge one of Adora’s playful attempts at sarcasm. The air between them felt lighthearted only for that moment before Catra was able to guard herself again -just in time for Adora to be serious too. “Are you two... still a thing?” 

Catra regretted opening the door at all. “There’s no thing. Never has been.” Adora just nodded slowly, looking at the floor. Her eyes said, ‘Riiiiight, right.’ Catra hated how expressive Adora was sometimes. ‘You’re better than that.’ Fuck off, Adora. What she hated even more was how embarrassed she was for Adora to know that she was still fooling around with Daniel. He was just easy -familiar. Safe. She kicked herself for having him here tonight. “What’s it matter to you anyways?”

All she wanted to do was shower, but she couldn’t just leave Adora in her apartment with nothing to do. She walked towards her kitchen. What does Adora even do for fun nowadays? Hell, what did she do for fun nowadays? Drink...

“It doesn’t.” Catra scoffed and reached for the flavored vodka and pineapple juice in the cupboard above the fridge. She remembered how Adora used to get whenever she’d talk about Daniel -a small consolation to feeling like Adora was moving on to a new life without her. “Sure seems like it does.”

Adora followed her, slowly, looking around the apartment. “Well, it doesn’t. It’s your business…” She sounded like she had more but didn’t finish. “What are you doing?” 

Catra put the cap on the shaker and started shaking. “Making you a drink.” 

“Why?” She glanced over at Adora, who was watching her intently. Still so easily amused. “I mean, thank you. I appreciate it, but I really don’t need a drink.” She looked really good. Her clothes were much more relaxed -not necessarily her usual style, but not so stuffy. Dressed like this she was approachable, relatable. Her face was the same, but also not and Catra couldn’t quite place what exactly had changed. She just looked older. They really were adults now, huh? Her hair was beautiful, the different colored strands woven together to form a patterned braid that drew attention to her cheekbones and the squareness of her jaw. 

“I’m going to take a shower.” She stopped shaking and poured the contents into a glass she’d pulled out of the fridge. “And what kind of host would I be if I left you here empty-handed?” She pushed the glass across the counter into Adora’s hands, happy that it slid with ease, and made her way around the island towards her room again. “Unless, of course, you’d rather join me.” She smiled to herself as she practically heard Adora blush and shake her head behind her. “Oh re-lax, princess. I’m kidding.” Or maybe not. She undid the tie to her robe and let it slip off her shoulders just before rounding the corner into the other room, enjoying the thought of Adora staring after her, considering the offer. 

The water was exactly what she needed. It washed away the sweat and shame and dirt, making her feel like the rest of the night would be like a do-over. Maybe. Why was Adora here? Suddenly she became very aware of how cluttered her apartment looked right now. Would Adora think she was a slob? Why do I care? It’s not like we’re friends. It was a bitter thought. Adora was the person she’s shared everything with for years -her entire childhood -and now they were, what? Strangers? 

No, they were still two people who knew way too much about each other. Yet, there were apparently still things Catra never knew about her ex-best friend. ‘She’s a lesbian…’ The doorway scene played back in her mind. She pulled Adora through the door with no hesitation. She still felt more comfortable touching Adora than anyone else, having her in her space bubble, having her where she lived. Still, after what you said in her office, it’s surprising that she came...Catra did feel bad about blowing up like that. She could make it up tonight. 

She turned the water off and dried herself a bit before donning her kimono again. As she tied the waist, she felt her confidence waver slightly. Adora was sitting out there, fully dressed and put together, sitting on her couch for who knows what reason. Meanwhile, Catra felt like a drowned rat -a clean rat, but a rat nonetheless. So what? It’s my friday night. It’s my apartment. I can wear whatever I want. She took a deep breath and walked back out to the living room to find Adora standing near the bookcase against the far wall, staring at something in her hand. As she got closer, she could see it was a dirty, tattered baseball. It was their baseball. 

Catra had been throwing the ball up as high as she could for herself so she could hit it. Only, the ball would never fall straight back down -it would go behind her or way right or left and she would swing at nothing, or trip over her own feet trying to swing at it over her head. Adora had come by on her bike and offered to pitch the ball to her. Adora was much better at hitting, and eventually she ended up putting it through the window of her father’s shed. They swore they would get really good and become professional baseball players, so they signed their names in the best cursive they knew how -the way pro ball players do. That was how they met. They were 8. 

“You always were a snoop.” 

Adora sort of jumped, clutching the ball to her chest and turning to look at Catra with surprise. “I’m sorry.” She was trying to blink away tears, some of them spilling over. “I didn’t mean to snoop, I just...” The surprise on her face had ebbed and in its place was a very poor mask of a polite smile. But the smile couldn’t hide the war of raw emotions clashing in her eyes. Catra saw pain and sadness and something else that she couldn’t quite place, all making her feel like she couldn’t breathe, melting her anger. Adora still cared -really cared. 

“Don’t, don’t apologize.” She shook her head softly and sighed. “You caught me.” Adora wiped the tears from her cheeks. Catra held out her hand for the ball and Adora set it very gently in her palm, their fingers brushing slightly together for an instant. “I can be sentimental too you know.” Adora nodded. 

“I know, I just didn’t think you’d keep that.” 

There were times when it was impossible to do anything other than be honest with Adora. Catra hated that this was one of them. “Yeah, well I kept a lot of things.” She kicked herself mentally as Adora seemed to perk up. 

“You did? Like what?” 

Catra groaned inwardly. Nice job. Giving away all our secrets. “Just stuff.” 

“C’mon Catra, what stuff?” She hated that she could already feel herself cracking under those ocean eyes. God, she’d still do anything for Adora. She groaned out loud this time. 

“Hold on.” She went back into her room and reached around under her bed until her fingers touched a cold metal. She looked at the dusty lunchbox for a couple seconds, debating whether or not she really wanted to confess to Adora that she’d kept all this stuff from their childhood. She stook, box in hand, and walked back out to the couch. Adora sat next to her, pure happiness plastered all over her face. 

“Your treasure box!” She turned to Catra and her eyes said it all: ‘I knew you were squishy’ Yeah, yeah. Catra opened the lid, taking the slightest bit of pleasure from Adora’s excited breath of air. “Ohhh my gosh. Is that what I think it is?” She turned again to Catra, asking permission. “...may I?” She nodded, starting to regret getting the box out. 

Adora picked up an ugly little string of poorly-knitted yarn that had been originally meant to be a scarf. She laughed. “Why the hell did you keep this?” Catra felt anxiety creeping its way back into her body with every passing second of vulnerability. 

“You made it for me.” The smile on Adora’s face ebbed and gave way to sadness again. Catra wished she’d stop looking at her like that. I don’t need your pity. 

Her eyes travelled once more to the box and the smile returned. She reached a hand in, brushing away some marbles and pine needles and a fake gold coin to reach her target. She picked out the crinkled and stained piece of paper and began unfolding it. “Wow.” 

Catra looked at it. She’d scribbled in pencil, since that’s all she had. It was a short little contract they’d made together when they were 15, stating that if they were 30 and single, they’d just marry each other. “Wow is right. My handwriting was awful.” 

Adora laughed again. “Probably still is.” 

“Hey!” Catra couldn’t help the smile spreading across her face though. 

“Well…” She watched as Adora chewed her bottom lip, staring down at the paper. Watching her do that always used to drive Catra crazy -when she did homework, when she was nervous, when she was embarrassed. It still had quite the effect, apparently. “We’re almost there.” 

It took Catra’s brain a few stuttering moments to understand what she was saying. The only thing she could think to respond was the same thing she did back then, just before signing the make-shift contract. “Being married to you would be insufferable.” The words retained their joking nature, but her voice had taken on a bittersweet, flat cadence where sarcasm once was.

Adora’s eyes softened even more somehow as she answered -Catra could hear her 15-year-old voice in sync with the present: “But at least I smell better than a guy.” 

Catra felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes. Anticipation making her heart beat faster. “I’ve smelled your shoes, Adora. I’m pretty sure you smell worse than boys.” She turned to Adora, waiting to hear if she remembered what she said, desperately hoping that she did -that she cared as much as Catra did. When Adora raised her gaze to meet Catra’s, she knew. 

“I know you better than any boy ever will.” The words were slow and occasionally choked by emotion. The truth in them hurt. The way Adora’s eyes mirrored their meaning hurt. All of this fucking hurt. What felt like eternity passed as they just looked at each other, searching for something. Catra was the first to break eye contact as she took the paper and folded it back up. She felt the angry little voice in the back of her head waking up. You lost control. 

“Yet there’s so much I never knew about you.” Push her away. 

Adora wiped her face again. “What do you mean?” 

She rolled her eyes and willed the leftover tears away. “I mean, shit, Daniel Hobkins knew you were gay before I did, and you hate the guy.” 

“I never hated him.” 

“Bull-shit.” Catra began packing up the rest of the treasure box. Something in the air had changed. They could both feel the imminent storm. Push her away.

“I just don’t like...” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“He’s not…” 

“Have you always been this articulate?”

“Y-ou, look, I’m just trying to-”

“Spit it out!” 

“I will if you let me!” Tsh. “You could do way better.” 

Even as the words left her mouth, she was upset with herself for saying them. She could hear Scorpia calling her hot-headed. “You’re just jealous that I’ve got somebody and you don’t.” Push. 

“No, I’m jealous that I’m not your somebody.” Oh. Suddenly, a flock of butterflies took flight in her stomach. She refused to look back at Adora, who was staring intently. She’d never seen Adora so determined before. Catra was losing this game of chicken. “But I think we both know he’s not really much of anything to you, is he?” 

“Fuck off. What do you know?” 

She didn’t back down. “I know you’ve been using him to make you feel better about yourself since we were teenagers.” Ouch. She scooted just a bit closer and grabbed Catra’s wrist, gently, as she always did. But there was a fierceness in her eyes Catra had never seen before. “I know that you held it over my head to make me feel bad about spending less time with you before I left, and congrats. It works. It’s worked since the first day you ever did it.” She took a breath and backed down ever so slightly, but the fierceness remained. “So no, I don’t hate him. But I don’t like that you two still mess around because I know he’s a complete asshole and you’re using him to cope with everything your dad put you through.” 

“I what?” Catra pulled her hand away. Adora didn’t reach for it again, but instead leaned in closer. 

“You heard me.” 

“Forgive me for being damaged goods. At least I’m trying to cope with my shit. Some people just run away from their problems.” Push. 

“Deflect all you want Catra, but I came here to talk to you about something tonight, and I need you to listen. Then I can leave you alone and I never have to bother you again.” Something about that infuriated her. You already left me alone. Still, the thought of her leaving a second time was somehow worse. 

She heard Scorpia saying ‘listen to her’. But the little voice was just looking for ways to dig, to wound. “What, d’you come here just to confess to me?” 

Adora shook her head. “What?” 

“Your friend blabbed all about your little crush on me at the bar the other night.” Red spread across Adora’s cheeks, making the blue of her eyes impossibly bluer. “It’s kind of funny really, you lecturing me on relationship stuff when you never even had the guts to tell me to my face how you felt.” 

“Would it have made a difference?” Yes. Adora still looked determined. “Besides, like you said, you and Daniel don’t really have a relationship -it’s just sex.” 

“Like you’ve got room to talk there either.” 

Adora leaned in again. “Sorry, did I say sex? I meant attention-seeking behavior that makes you feel in control.” Catra narrowed her eyes. “I doubt you’ve ever had a real and healthy sexual encounter in your life.” 

“I’m great at sex.” 

“Whatever you need to tell yourself, Catra.” 

Push. “At least I’m not still a virgin. I bet you’re still a shitty kisser.” 

Adora blinked at her. “What? I’m not a shitty kisser.” 

“Yes you are.” 

“No I’m not.” 

“Yes. You are.” If she wasn’t so pissed off right now, this would be just like when they bickered as teenagers, competing for something neither of them quite understood. 

“No.” 

“Prove it.” The words just slipped out of habit, but once they were out she couldn’t rescind them. They hung in the hot air between them. Catra watched Adora’s eyes flicker down to her mouth, contemplating, causing the butterflies to erupt into a wild dance again. When did they get so close? Adora bit her lip and Catra lost her mind. She practically growled and dove forward so hard that their teeth clicked as their mouths crashed together. Years of want collided in a tangle of heated breath and tongues as they both fought for control over themselves, the situation, and each other all at once. 

Adora let herself be pushed back onto the couch, Catra moving to straddle her without breaking the kiss. Adora’s hands found Catra’s hips as she started grinding against her, enjoying the way Adora’s breath caught in her throat whenever she rolled forward. Catra made the mistake of slipping her tongue past Adora’s lips, which caught it and started sucking as a hand pulled her hair -just like she did years ago. It still made Catra tremble as excitement tore through her and she moaned. Fuck. 

She opened her eyes, just barely, long enough to see Adora’s eyes still closed, a concentrated expression on her face. Good. She hadn’t ruined the moment by admitting defeat. One hand reached up and touched the side of her face, appreciating the heat she knew was from Adora blushing. Catra nibbled on Adora’s lip as the hand slid down to her neck so her thumb could cup her jaw. Adora seeed to freeze a little bit. She pulled away. Goddammit. 

“What?” Why are you stopping? Please don’t stop. Her eyes darted back and forth, looking...sad, angry, frustrated. Catra was embarrassed by how hard she was breathing. “Fine. You’re a good kisser, alright. Is that what you want to hear?” 

In one motion, Adora pushed Catra up and pulled herself out from under her. Not again. “No.” She started to get up. 

“What do you mean, no? Where are you going?” Adora was walking towards the door. “Adora.” 

She kept walking. Please not again. “Adora!” It couldn’t end like this again. She couldn’t just run away. 

Catra hopped over the back of the couch and pressed the door closed just as Adora started to pull on the handle.


	9. She's Always A Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So they talk, and they talk, and they talk. Catra invites Adora to stay the night. 
> 
> The next chapter will be the last chapter BUT I don't know how exactly I want to end it. I had originally want there to be only fluff, but then the words just kind of happened and now there's potential to go one of two ways: fluff OR smut followed by fluff. 
> 
> YOU CHOOSE. Comment which ending you would like to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL. Remember when I said "this is probably going to be a short fic"? Apparently I lied. 
> 
> She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes  
> She can ruin your faith with her casual lies  
> And she only reveals what she wants you to see  
> She hides like a child but she's always a woman to me  
> She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you  
> She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you  
> And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free  
> Yeah she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me  
> Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants  
> She's ahead of her time  
> Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in  
> She just changes her mind  
> And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden  
> Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding  
> But she brings out the best and the worst you can be  
> Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me  
> Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants  
> She's ahead of her time  
> Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in  
> She just changes her mind  
> She is frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel  
> She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool  
> But she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree  
> And the most she will do is throw shadows at you  
> But she's always a woman to me

Her heart was pounding in her chest, mind reeling. Adora reached for the door, kicking herself for getting so caught up in nostalgia that she lost sight of why she’d come here tonight. For a second there it almost felt like they maybe could be friends again. And then she started the conversation -kind of -but it derailed and turned into a pissing contest -who would make the first move. To make things worse, Adora wasn’t even the one who closed the gap this time, and then Catra was on her and moving like that and now she couldn’t think straight and you can’t have a conversation with somebody when you can’t think straight. She would come back later and try again when they were both calm. 

Catra’s hand made contact with the door from behind her, closing it again before the arm wrapped around her waist, pressing them together. Catra buried her face in Adora’s neck while her other arm wrapped tightly around the other side, dangerously close to Adora’s breast. She shivered as she felt Catra’s breath on her neck before she bit down -it was a pleasant kind of pain, similar yet vastly different from the playful bites she dealt in search of attention as kids. “Don’t go.” The pained whisper made her freeze. 

“C-catra…”Her hands started drifting, pulling at her shirt, lifting it up her back. Shit. She was going to see. “Catra, wait…” The hands stopped lifting and she felt Catra step back. Shit. She saw them. Shit. Shit. 

“What...is that?” Adora started to turn around, but Catra’s hand pushed her forward again. “No, Adora, what the fuck is this?” Catra’s voice was wavering. She wasn’t supposed to find out like this, but oh well. Mission accomplished, right? “It looks like...it looks... like you were…” 

“Whipped.” She finished Catra’s thought out loud. Catra’s fingers brush against the scars running over her back, slowly. 

“What?” There’s disbelief in her voice, and pain. Adora turns around slowly and this time Catra lets her. 

“The last day we saw each other four years ago, my mom took me out back and whipped me. She made me kneel on grits for hours. She found out that I’d been sneaking out at night to see you.” Silence. “That’s why I was late. That’s why I flinched when you...when you grabbed me.” Silence. “It was a conditioned response. I wasn’t scared of you. I’ve never been scared of you. I’m scared of my mom.” 

Catra was standing still, tears streaming down her face, eyes searching for something in Adora’s gaze - as if she were putting together a puzzle or waiting for her to say ‘just kidding’. “No.” There was anger there in her hazel eyes, but it was a quiet plea. 

“I’d been planning to leave later that summer so that we could spend more time together. I wanted you to come with me, even, but then I ran from that punishment to come and meet you. I’d never run from any punishment before. That’s why I had to leave the next day. I knew if she found me…who knows what would have happened.” 

Catra spoke slowly, her usual rasp deepening with emotion. “So...when you were…” She put her hands on her hips and looked up to the ceiling, as if she were asking God. “getting ‘lectured’ by your mom, she was...really…” 

Adora shook her head. “Yeah.” Another moment of silence. Adora could see Catra struggling to maintain her composure. “She’d never used the real whip on me before that though. It was usually a switch or a yardstick or a belt. More often than not though she would just grab my face and push me against a wall and just use her hands.” Catra closed her eyes for a prolonged blink at the word ‘hands’. 

“That time you took a foul ball and broke a rib?” 

“She pushed me down the stairs and kicked me.” Here she was, saying the words for the first time out loud, and she didn’t even blink an eye. Adora was so used to thinking these thoughts, replaying them in her mind that she was desensitized. It was just her reality then. 

Catra covered her mouth and shook her head. Drawing a shaky breath before opening her mouth to speak again. “When you got those burns on your leg from stepping in the fire pit?” 

“Steam from a hot iron.” 

Catra’s hands pressed the sides of her head. “Fuck.” She took a couple paces back and forth. “FUCK!” There it was. Now she was getting angry. “And you always fucking wore long sleeves b-...” what would have been a yell died and she shook her head, bringing her voice back to a whisper. “...’m so stupid.” More tears fell. 

Then she reached out and haphazardly pushed Adora’s shoulder -not hard, a testament to just how horrible it must be for her to hear all of this now. “Why.” It wasn’t a question. 

“Why what?” 

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me?!” Another half-assed shove. Here we go. “We were best friends. We told each other everything. Why would you keep that from me? All those years, and you, and you…” Catra wasn’t quite sobbing, but Adora knew she was close. She knew she would feel attacked and try to lash out; she’d been expecting it. “...all alone, you just took it. You should have told me. I could have-” 

“You could have, what, Catra? What could you have done? We were just kids.” Catra dropped to her knees at Adora’s feet. 

“I could have been there…” Not the answer Adora had been expecting. “I could have been there for you the way you were there for me. I should have been there. I should have known. I’m s-so...I’m so sorry, Adora.” Catra wasn’t really lashing out at her for not telling her; she was chastising herself for not recognizing it. Adora sunk down to the floor and put her hands on Catra’s back, trying to pull her at least upright so that she could see her face. 

“Catra. Catra, look at me.” She slowly raised her head, tears still streaming down. “It’s not your fault that you didn’t know. You didn’t know because I tried my best to keep it a secret from you.” 

“W-why?” 

“Because I thought I was protecting you. I didn’t want to put you at risk and I didn’t want you to worry about me when you had so much trauma in your own life. But now I know that wasn’t fair of me, and that’s why I needed to talk to you so badly.” At this point, she knew Catra needed to just cry for a bit. So Adora held her on the floor there for some time, just letting her cry. The more she thought about it, the more it occurred to her just how tragic of a misunderstanding it all was, and she cried silent tears of regret.

“I’m sorry I was such a shitty friend.” 

Adora didn’t know what to say. Catra had been a lot of things -manipulative, emotionally immature, insecure, and sometimes self-centered. But she had also been passionate and exciting and funny and even loving. Every now and then, Adora heard Billy Joel’s ‘She’s Always a Woman’ playing throughout their adventures. Catra had been as good of a friend as she was capable of at that time in her life. They were older now, presumably more mature, although after all the round-a-bout lately, maybe not. Still, there was a chance they could help each other deal with the past -heal -because, hell, they WERE each other's pasts. 

“Well...we’re here now. We have a chance to make it better.” Catra used her kimono to wipe the tears away from her face -to no avail. They were immediately replaced. “Can we be friends again Catra? This time, no more secrets, no more running away.” Time passed and a calmness settled over the two of them. 

“You sure you want somebody like me as a friend?” They locked red, tear-soaked eyes. 

“Absolutely.” 

“Then you’re going to need to learn to drink.” 

Adora half-chuckled. “You’re not that bad. You can actually be kinda fun when you’re in a good mood.” Catra glanced up with an expression that might have otherwise made her burst into a fit of laughter, but she was still in too serious of a mind-set to really laugh. “I’m surprised you work at a bar.” 

Catra unfolded her legs from underneath her and they both moved to sit with their backs against the door. “Why?” 

“Your dad.” 

“Ah. Yeah. Well…like father, like daughter I guess.” She put her head back on the door, sniffling. 

“You aren’t your father. You make your own decisions.” 

“Chyeah. Look where that’s gotten me.” 

“I am, Catra.” She looked back at Adora, furrowing her brows a bit. “It’s gotten you a job that you don’t seem to hate. It’s gotten you back into school. It’s gotten you this cute little apartment.” Catra scoffed, but Adora had meant it. This place suited her -it was very Catra. Big windows that let in lots of light, with shutters that let her live in darkness for those moods she would inevitably have -or the hangovers. The stained wood was old but had character and she filled the space well with furniture. There was art on the walls -Catra had never been one for pictures anyways -some of which Adora recognized as Catra’s own art style. Overall, the apartment was every bit as creative and bold as Catra was as a human being. 

“Yeah, sure. In the same small town I grew up in.” She sighed. The tears had slowed and nearly stopped. “I got stuck.” 

“Yeah, well...maybe after you finish your schooling and you’ve managed the Fright Zone for a while, you can move somewhere else for a bit.” Catra rested her cheek on her arm folded over her knees. “You can always come back here, but I think getting out for a while can be helpful. I know it was for me.” 

“What was it like?” Adora met her stare. This was one of those times when she resembled a child, needing reassurance and care, but she was so breathtakingly beautiful at the same time. “Going away to school.” 

Adora thought about it for a moment, about all the layers. “Scary at first. I was alone -really alone -for the first time in my life. My mom had just been put in prison and I’d basically used school as an excuse to run from her -from everything. I was in a totally new place where I didn’t know anyone. But it also felt like I could finally breathe, like there had been something choking me and I’d finally gotten away.” She paused, thinking Catra would maybe have something to say, but she didn’t. Catra was just watching her, listening intently on whatever story Adora was going to tell her about the last four years they were apart. She told her about meeting Glimmer and Bow. She told her about falling in love with psychology. She told her about living in a city with good food and places to go everywhere you look. And they talked. 

For hours, they talked. They cried, laughed, and remembered their way through the night until it was half-passed three in the morning. Adora stood unsteadily, rubbing her eyes, shaking out her legs which had been curled up for so long. “I’d better text my roommates and head home.” 

“Do you work tomorrow?” 

“No.” 

“Then why don’t you just stay?” Catra yawned and stretched, the right shoulder of her kimono threatening to fall down. Adora couldn’t forget the feeling of the thin silk fabric under her hands. “We never got to have a sleepover as kids. It’ll be fun!” She smiled.

An adult sleepover with Catra? Adora knew her cheeks were turning pink. She mentally corrected her syntax. A sleepover as adults with Catra. Eh. A platonic sleepover between two adults when the other adult happens to be Catra. Okay, so the word ‘Catra’ is the problem here. A platonic sleepover between two adults. There. “I dunno. I told Glimmer I’d be back hours ago.” 

“Oh, c’mon. I don’t bite.” Adora’s stomach did flips as the corners of Catra’s mouth turned upwards and into that sly grin.

“Psh. Yes you do!” Adora playfully slapped at her side with the back of her hand. 

Catra laughed. “Fine, fine. I won’t do it tonight.” She walked to the fridge and filled two glasses of water. 

Adora rubbed the back of her neck, shyly, remembering the surprisingly soft scrape of Catra’s teeth. “You already did.” She watched as Catra’s movement faltered just for a second before continuing to fill the second glass with water. She set them down on the counter and leaned over it, holding out her hand, all fingers balled up except her pinky. 

“Pinky promise.” Adora approached the counter slowly, wary of the danger lurking in Catra’s eyes. She was daring her to do something. Adora held out her hand but didn’t put their pinkies together. 

“What exactly am I promising?” 

“Not you, me.” She used her free hand to take a drink of water. “I promise that I won’t bite you unless you ask me to.”


	10. Intimacy is scary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They both find peace in each other's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I dunno what happened. Words just kept coming out and...there's a lot of smut. If that's not your bag, only read before the double line and after. 
> 
> Check out some of the sketches I did for S5 on my IG!

They shook on it. Something so childish was somehow so serious, as if this pinky promise solidified everything else that had been said that night. Adora shrugged. “I don’t even have my toothbrush.” Catra rolled her eyes. Of course she’d be worried about skipping her nightly routine. Adora always was a schedule kind of person. 

“I think your perfect teeth can handle one night without brushing.” Catra walked around the counter to the table where Adora’s drink had sat -full -all night. 

“And I don’t have any pijamas.” What a nerd. 

“You can wear something of mine, you big baby.” She held up the glass. “Didn’t like it?” 

Adora shook her head. “No, it was good. I just thought I was driving home, so…” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Catra tossed it down the drain, Adora watching after her apologetically, yet her eyes said ‘you didn’t have to waste it’. She turned off the kitchen and living room lights, motioning for Adora to follow her into the bedroom. Was this weird? Two ex-friends who kind of wanted to get together but never did, now friends again, having a sleepover? Catra so badly wanted to test the waters -to tease Adora into a bright pink ball of embarrassment...but she only just got her back. She had to behave. No biting unless she asks -they promised. But they didn’t say anything about anything else…

Was Adora nervous too? Sure, they’d fallen asleep next to each other before, on nights when they stayed out late enough that the stars disappeared and the sky woke up. But they’d never slept all night, and never in the same bed. Catra regretted not putting away some of her clothes that were strewn all over the floor and the chair. At least her bed was clean. Shit. Adora doesn’t know that. Adora thinks I was fucking Daniel. “Don’t worry, the sheets are clean.” 

Adora stopped for a moment before continuing to follow her. “Uh, I wasn’t worried, but I guess glad to know?” Thank God she is so oblivious. Crisis averted. But also, way to keep your cool, Catra. 

She reached into the top drawer of her dresser and smiled. She tossed a piece of lingerie to Adora. “Here.” 

Adora held up the sheer, orange babydoll nightgown. “What, uhh-” She realized what it was and lit up like a match. 

“Pijamas.” 

“Aha. These are your…” Catra felt a delicious tingle seeing Adora’s eyes travel down her body, knowing full well that she was imagining Catra wearing the nightgown. “Pijamas?” 

Catra shrugged, starting to untie the belt at her waist. “It’s comfortable.” 

“It’s like being naked.” 

“Exactly.” Adora turned away as Catra shrugged the kimono off and turned away to grab real PJ’s. 

“It’s uh, nice...but not really my-” Catra tossed an oversized T-shirt at her. 

“Re-lax, goob. I’m fucking with you.” Pulled the tank top over her head and dug around for shorts. She went for the cute little plaid ones that were just short enough to show a little cheek without coming right out and saying ‘here is my ass’. 

When she turned back to face Adora, her breath caught. Adora had started taking off her shirt. She had a plain and modest bra -because of course she did - but it still stopped Catra’s heart. She had filled out a little bit since high school -in a good way. Catra let her eyes trace the outline of Adora’s torso until she blushed and turned away. Then her sight fell and lingered on the long, thin scars that patterned the skin of Adora’s back as she went to take her bra off. She would have been filled with another wave of rage had she not been so mesmerized watching this woman undress herself. She’d seen Adora take off layers to go swimming in the pond or a nearby stream plenty of times; she’d even seen her in a two-peice one time at a pool because Adora’s old swim suit literally came apart at the seams. But this was different -more intimate somehow. And Adora was not that same lanky teenager. Friends. 

Catra was a bit disappointed that she’d given Adora such a big shirt. When she put it on, her figure was hidden immediately. Adora bent down to take off her boots one at a time, losing the couple-inch height advantage she had over Catra all night. As she stood again, she glanced briefly at Catra. “You’re staring.” 

Catra didn’t bother to avert her eyes as Adora turned half way around again. “I’ve just...never…” seen anything so beautiful. “Never seen you get ready for bed before. We always had to go home.” Now they didn’t have to go anywhere. They could be home together. 

There was a short, heavenly lapse in clothedness where the shirt was lifted over her hands as they started to pull the pants down. Fuck, she’s got a nice ass. Catra swore Adora was wearing black lace panties. Bold move, Adora. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She reached for her braid to un-do it, letting loose all the woven golden strands. “I didn’t realize it was so fascinating.” Her hair was like fucking sunshine. Lifting her arms to tousle the hair on top, the shirt rose just a bit higher -tantalizingly close to too high. Catra stopped herself from licking her lips. Keep your cool, Catra. Keep your cool. Friends. Two friends having a sleepover. 

“Which side of the bed do you want?” She sat back on her hands. 

Adora shrugged, now looking very timid, overwhelming Catra. “I don’t really care. I’ll sleep wherever.” 

Catra rolled to the other side of the bed and Adora crawled onto the open side, a sight that made Catra’s heart do a little flutter. Fucking yum. Adora’s face was somewhat serious in a way that was difficult to read. It had to have been one of the very few times Catra had never been able to guess at what she might be thinking about -it was terrifying. She watched the gears turn in Adora’s brain for a bit longer before working up the courage to ask. “What are you thinking about?” 

When she turned her head to answer, her eyes were soft and curious. “Do you ever have nightmares?” She didn’t have to finish the sentence for Catra to know what she was asking. The ‘about your dad’ was implied. 

Catra stared up the ceiling thoughtfully for a moment. “Rarely, but sometimes. You?” 

“No. Never. I always thought it was strange.” She twiddled her thumbs over her stomach. “Maybe I have a weird amygdala or something.” 

Catra laughed and clasped her hand over Adora’s without thinking. “I don’t know what that means, but you definitely are a freak.” 

“Hey.” Then she started thinking. She was thinking about the warmth of Adora’s skin under that shirt. Goddammit. Friends. 

“Don’t psycho-babble-bullshit yourself. You’re fine. Everyone responds differently, right?” 

Adora laughed and turned onto her side, knocking the breath right out of Catra. The shirt hugged the side of her body, showing off the curve of her hip. “That’s right I forgot, you would know all about bullshitting, wouldn’t you?” God, she missed this banter. 

Catra turned in too, bringing them much closer than she’d anticipated. “Hey. Rude. It’s called being charismatic. And yes, I would.” She could tell by the smile on Adora’s face that she’d missed this too -being friends, which they now were. Just friends. 

“Can you believe we used to stay up later than this on school nights?” 

“I can believe I did. Shit, I still do it every once in a while. You, on the other hand, Miss Goody-Goody. It was always a pleasant surprise. I’m sure you go to bed at, what, like 9pm now.” 

“Excuse you. I go to bed at 10:30. And I don’t know, you look pretty tired.” Catra was tired -it had been a draining week -but she also didn’t want to miss a second of being this close to Adora again. 

“Ouch. Thanks, but I feel fine.” 

Adora narrowed her eyes. “Not the tiniest bit sleepy?” Catra shook her head. “Are you sure?” She nodded. Adora started chewing her lip and Catra’s eyes watched helplessly, all too aware of their fingers now locked together. “I bet I can make you fall asleep.” 

Anytime the word “bet’ was used, something good came of it. Catra’s pulse quickened. “No way.” Her answer was truthful though. Catra definitely couldn’t sleep now, not with her heart pounding louder than the music downstairs. 

“Uh-huh. I totally can.” Adora scooted closer -so close. “Here…” She smelled good. Friends. 

Catra was eye-level with Adora’s neck, their hands together pressed against her chest. Catra felt like a teenage boy, excited to high hell that the side of Adora’s breast was touching the back of her hand. What is she gonna do? Adora’s free hand hovered above Catra’s forehead for a split second, waiting for Catra to meet her gaze, waiting for permission. Catra nodded ever so slightly and Adora’s fingertips graced her skin with feather-light touches. She stroked from the side of her cheek down to her jaw, from the top of her forehead down the bridge of her nose. As hard as she fought it, Catra couldn’t stop her eyes from closing, as if they weighed ten pounds each.

She didn’t even care that she could practically hear that smug-ass grin on Adora’s face from the way she was breathing. The feeling and warmth of Adora so close is all there was. Every touch felt like shedding a layer of bad -insecurity, damage, shame, guilt, tiredness, fatigue. All of it, gone. She never wanted to forget this feeling -its purity. The more her body relaxed, the further away her consciousness drifted until she was in a not-yet-sleeping, not-yet-wakeful state. 

It could have been five minutes, or it could have been three hours. Some unknown amount of time passed in limbo before Adora’s voice brought her back to this realm. Adora’s voice and touch were the only two discernable things in the darkness behind her closed lids. “See.” Adora whispered. “Told you I could put you to sleep.” Catra didn’t even bother responding. It was like being lulled back into existence from a coma -it would take time. Her body was so relaxed, she probably couldn’t talk if she wanted to. 

Adora slowed her touches, and stopped with one finger just barely in contact Catra’s lower lip, bringing her a bit further into wakefulness. “I know you can’t hear me right now...” She thinks I’m asleep. “I swear I’ll tell you again when you’re awake, but I’m really glad we can be friends again. I missed you so much.” Catra could hear her voice waver, even in the whisper. “But I’m really scared that I’ll screw this up.” What are you doing? “Because I need you in my life but…” But. BUT? BUT WHAT, GODDAMMIT! Catra was trying to keep her breathing steady. “...but I think I’ll always want to be more than just your friend.” 

Yes. Fuck just being friends. Adora started to say something else, but Catra’s free hand pushed a finger to her lips, stopping her dead in her tracks. “Shhh. I’m trying to sleep here.” A wicked grin spread across her face as she opened her eyes to see Adora, horrified and red-faced in the dim light of the bedside lamp. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..................................................................................

Adora watched her friend’s relaxed face and she drifted off into sleep -the familiar rise and fall of her chest getting deeper, quieter, until her rhythmic inhales and exhales were how Adora noted the passage of time. Not that she was keeping track at all. She was far too busy just watching her. Catra always had such gorgeous skin. She had a pixie face and angular features that were somehow also soft. A few light freckles dusted her nose from long summers out in the sun. She had them on the tops of her shoulders too -Adora used to like to play connect the dots with them. Her fingers wanted so badly to trace her collar bones, up the side of her neck. You just got her back. Don’t play with fire. 

Adora slowed her touches, and stopped with one finger just barely in contact Catra’s lower lip, pouty and full. It was dangerous knowing how Catra’s lips tasted. She wished Catra had stayed awake just a little longer. She still had some things she needed to say. She had to tell her how she felt about her, even though she didn’t reciprocate…she had to know the whole truth. 

“I know you can’t hear me right now…” She felt a little silly talking to herself, yet still shy. “I swear I’ll tell you again when you’re awake, but I’m really glad we can be friends again. I missed you so much. But I’m really scared that I’ll screw this up, because I need you in my life but…” How do I put this? She sighed slowly “...but I think I’ll always want to be more than just your friend.” 

Adora started to say something else, but froze as Catra stirred and put a finger to her lips. Oh shit. “Shhh. I’m trying to sleep here.” That wicked little smirk spread across her face as she opened her eyes. Adora realized she’d probably heard her and a lump formed in her throat. Of course she wasn’t asleep. Of course. Goddamnit. 

“Catra.” She rolled over and covered her face to smother the flames, but they just burned under her arms. “How much of that did you hear?” 

Catra giggled and sat up, bouncing up and down, pushing on Adora’s shoulder. “You liiike me. You really liiiiiiike me.” Oh God, if you’re there, please let this be a dream. 

“Catraaa, it’s not funny! It’s embarrassing. I thought you were really asleep.” It’s gonna be fine. Now you can just keep talking about things. You wanted her to know all of this anyways...

Adora felt Catra moving, but she wasn’t expecting her to literally crawl over her. She propped herself up on her elbows. Catra relaxed on top of her, posed like an actual cat ready to pounce -that daring look returned to her eyes. “Re-lax, princess.” That voice dripping liquid smoke and honey. “When have you ever heard me say that being just friends was good enough for me?” 

Oh. What? Was she actually dreaming? Catra traced a nail up Adora’s stomach and between her breasts, where she laid her palm flat and pressed her weight down on Adora, and she let her arms out from underneath her as Catra leaned further over. “Besides, we’ve got more pressing matters to deal with.” 

“Like what?” What could possibly be more important than that right now? Whatever was happening.

“You lost the bet.” Adora felt like she couldn’t get enough oxygen. There was something wrong with this air -it was hot and heavy and smelled so good. “What do I win?” Don’t panic. 

“W-hat do you want?” You. They were both thinking it. 

Catra leaned in impossibly close -close enough that they were sharing the same breath -her lips just hovering over Adora’s. She was slightly ashamed that she felt like she was actually drooling a little bit at the thought of kissing her once more. “I want you to tell me again.” 

Catra’s weight pushing down on her felt so good. Adora’s hands were twitching to reach up and touch her sides, but she couldn’t possibly say it again now. Catra was just teasing her! She already heard it... As if Catra read her mind, she dropped her head even lower still, her lips right next to Adora’s ear, making her shudder. 

“C’mon Adora. Say it again.” Heat pooled between Adora’s legs, her head getting fuzzy. Can you get drunk off people? She was so totally drunk off Catra -the sound of her voice like this the smell of her skin, her hair. 

One hand found its way through the waterfall of brunette waves cascading around her head to rest on Catra’s cheek. “I want... to be more than just your friend.” The words sort of tumbled out slowly at first, but by the end of the sentence the floodgates were open. Her heart was out there, waiting for a call back. When Catra finally pressed their lips together, it was like riding the best, whirliest roller coaster. Every little movement of Catra’s hands on her body was another twist or turn. Her tongue flicked over Adora’s lip and she melted into the kiss, enjoying the ride. And then Catra started grinding on her again. Shit. Adora’s hips started to respond, rising gently each time, making Catra smile against her mouth. She fought only for another minute to keep her hands to herself before letting her fingers travel over the supple skin of Catra’s thighs, occasionally squeezing and drawing small circles. The spring coiling in her belly getting tighter as Catra kissed down the side of her face to her neck, nibbling on her earlobe. 

“See? Was that so hard?” Her voice was a pur. She’s so goddamn sexy. 

Catra’s hands started pulling the hem of her night shirt and Adora was hit with a new wave of nervousness. Catra had seen her mostly naked before, but never in a context like this. She swallowed hard and let her push the fabric up, continuing to lick and suck down her neck. The shirt reached her chest -here we go. Breathe. Adora raised her arms over her head to let the shirt be pulled off. Settling back down onto the bed, she put her hands back on Catra, sliding up just under the tanktop so she wouldn’t give in to the urge to cover her chest from view. Her skin responded to the touch of cool air, but she was still on fire. Catra stayed sitting up for a moment, just staring down at her intently. The hunger in her eyes caused more goosebumps -which she seemed to notice. 

“I’ll keep your warm, princess.” She dragged a nail over Adora’s bare stomach, making her jerk. The back of Catra’s other hand brushed the underside of one breast. Her body needed something -needed more, way more. “You’re so squirmy.” Catra bent down again, her hair tickling Adora’s skin wherever it traced as she kissed all around Adora’s breast. That. That’s what she needed -the heat of Catra’s mouth, right where she wasn’t giving it. She smiled cruelly, stopping just above the stiff nipple, blowing softly. The sensation rang through Adora’s body, making her cry out. 

“Catra…” Was that her voice? She sounded so desperate…Adora tried to bridge the gap several times by arching slightly off the bed, but Catra pulled away. She felt like she was going to scream if Catra didn’t just- 

Catra’s lips parted and she gave an experimental kiss to the hard little button. The sensation wasn’t half as earth-shattering as the sight of Catra’s mouth on her. Every time Catra’s heavily lidded eyes opened to make eye contact, it was like another stab of need threatened to make her lose control. Jesus, the look in Catra’s eyes could melt metal. Suddenly her insides clenched as Catra’s teeth scraped over the sensitive nub. Adora’s hands tangled themselves in the brunette’s hair, trying to hold her there -trying to hold onto her sanity. 

Despite the mental fog, Adora still had the wherewithal to halfheartedly joke. “I thought we said no biting.” She really, really wanted her to do it again. Please. Catra moved to give the other breast some attention, only building the anticipation. 

“‘Was an accident. Won’t happen again.” Adora squirmed under her tongue in protest. Catra was such a fucking tease. She knew it felt good. Or did she? Adora really didn’t have the patients to sit and think about whether Catra was actually being respectful of boundaries right now. Fuck boundaries. Please do it again. 

“You can do it again...if you want to.” Catra laughed -a low, sultry sound that seemed to echo and reverberate in every sensitive part of Adora’s body.

“No, we promised.” She bit back a groan. “I can’t bite you unless you ask.” Her eyes were positively glowing, looking up at Adora, saying ‘I win’. There was only one brief moment of hesitation where Adora wondered if she really wanted to toss her pride aside for this. Abso-fucking-lutely she did. 

“Bite me.” Two fingers gently pinched a nipple and her body rocked, but it wasn’t the same feeling as Catra’s teeth. 

“That’s not how you ask for things, is it, princess?” Catra was loving this. It was going to be so satisfying when these tables were turned, but right now, she didn’t even care how desperate she sounded. 

“Catra, please bite m-” She moaned as Catra bit down, gently at first, but then a little harder. It was like a direct line from her chest to her core, and every time Catra nibbled again, Adora felt herself get hotter. It seemed to be some sort of catalyst. Now Catra’s hands were everywhere, possessive and needing, and her mouth was leaving subtle marks all over Adora’s chest and neck. She was already reeling when one hand reached down between her legs, making her jump and realize where her body was really craving attention. 

Catra halted the glorious torment at her neck for a moment, her confidence giving way to surprise. “You’re so fucking wet, Adora.” Duh. The words alone sent another shiver, but in combination with the fingers gently stroking her center, they were a new kind of torture. “You’re soaked.” 

“Who’s fault is that?” Catra’s eyes gleamed with mischief and pride -’mine.’ 

Moving her attention away from Adora’s wetness, she continued to kiss down the blonde’s body, stopping at her naval briefly to admire the freckle next to it. Catra’s demeanor had changed -she was more thoughtful and it almost seemed like she was feeling shy now. Adora watched as Catra reached for the top of her pantties, fingers trembling slightly. She felt dumb for not realizing sooner that Catra had to be just as nervous and intimidated as she was -she knew this was a first for both of them. She propped herself up on her elbows again; the movement seemed to kind of spook Catra. 

“Wait, take your shirt off first.”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..............................................................................................................................................................

Seeing Adora like this, hearing her breathing ragged and crying out had Catra’s insides in knots. Adora was so fucking hot. Why couldn’t she have just grown a pair sooner? This was infinitely better than anything she’d ever done before. Maybe Adora was right. Scratch that, Adora was definitely right. She’d clearly never had good sexual experiences. She could tell by the storm of emotions clashing inside her body that this was how sex was supposed to feel. This was a different kind of excitement -but there was fear too. What if she didn’t do it right? She NEEDED to do it right. But the lower down she let her attention wander, she became more and more aware that she didn’t know what the fuck to do with a vagina! Catra’s heart pounded as she reached for Adora’s lace panties. Please, God, if you’re up there, let me do something right?

Adora started to move, making her freeze. “Wait, take your shirt off first.” What? 

“Huh?” 

“I want to touch you too, Catra. Take your shirt off.” For some reason, that sounded impossible right now. She slowly peeled the tanktop off and let one hand return to her side -the other stayed to cover her breasts. Adora cocked an eyebrow and smiled, her eyes still clouded with want. Catra wanted to punch her and kiss her at the same time -so hard. 

“You dropped your robe without a second thought earlier tonight.” Catra’s heart fluttered. So she had been watching. “Why so shy now?” But also, goddamn you. 

She hated this feeling, when Adora would call her on her shit. Especially now when she was so exposed -literally. “That was...different.” 

Adora scooted closer and placed her hand on Catra’s wrist, asking with her eyes if she could move her arm. Catra let her, and she was thankful when Adora immediately rested the side of her head against her chest -that meant she couldn’t stare. 

“Your heart is beating so fast…”. Dammit. Now she regretted it. 

“S-hut up.” Idiot. 

She pulled away and found Catra’s eyes with those blue pools. “It’s a good thing.” She bridged the gap between them, softly kissing next to Catra’s mouth. “It means…” she kissed the other side. “You want me as much as I want you.” The words settled hard In Catra’s chest and made her feel like she was going to cry. Don’t you fucking dare. She was a fish out of water with this touchy-feely shit. 

Now the crystalline blue eyes were searching for permission again as several fingers softly traced Catra’s side around to her lower back, and the other cupped her cheek “Let me touch you Catra. Please?” Catra had to blink a few times to stave the swell of tears that threatened to build. I wish she’d stop fucking asking me for things and just take. It’s so much easier that way. But she knew that just wasn’t Adora. Almost as if the blonde read her mind, something in her demeanor changed slightly as she pulled them together, holding Catra captive. “I just wanna make you feel good.” 

The words went straight through her. This time, when they kissed, Adora was in control, and Catra both hated how helpless she felt and revelled in it. Adora’s free hand took hold of Catra’s hair and pulled, sending a jolt of pleasure through her. She bit back a gasp as lips touched the base of her neck. Catra instinctively put her arm back up to cover herself. It didn’t stop Adora, who kept kissing lower, around all the skin she could reach. Catra could feel how hard her nipples were -embarrassingly hard. Adora’s tongue slid under Catra’s hand and nearly touched the base of one. She shuddered and stifled a gasp. She knew her nipples were sensitive -that’s why she never let Daniel touch them -he was always too rough when she let him paw at her breasts. This was totally different. 

As if she sensed the hesitation, Adora pushed Catra’s arm down and sucked a nipple into her mouth, laving it with her tongue. Jesus, fuck! Catra’s hands immediately grabbed fistfulls of her hair as she bit her tongue to keep the sounds from coming out. Adora was sucking and flicking her tongue like her life depended on it, and every movement felt like it was building towards something -something totally foreign and life-altering. This was too much. In a moment of panic, she kind of yelled, “S-top! Adora, wait.” Adora paused, confused. 

“What, what’s wrong? Did that hurt? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Catra regretted opening her mouth. She couldn’t bear to explain…”If you keep going...I can’t.” 

“Can’t what?” Goddamn those eyes. “Catra?” 

She’s already won. No turning back now… “I’ll lose control.” 

Adora pounced on her, beaming -she climbed on top and redoubled her efforts on Catra’s breasts, melting Catra’s last shred of resolve with white-hot pleasure. “Let go, Catra. It’s just you and me.” She was already crying out -cursing and moaning like a pathetic mess. She was writhing uncontrollably underneath Adora, and by the time Adora placed one of her knees between Catra’s thighs, her body wasn’t going to wait anymore. Her hips started grinding back and forth, desperate for pressure there.

“Mmshit.” 

Adora was kissing her neck again, tracing her jaw. She started licking and biting Catra’s ear lobe. “I want you to cum for me, Catra. Just let go.” The words caused a strangled sound to come from her throat as Adora returned her attention to Catra’s chest again. She pressed her knee a bit harder down and Catra’s hips moved faster, the heat in her belly ready to explode. More. She needed more. She really couldn’t control it -her body was in charge, and needy, turning Catra into a mewling wet mess. 

“That’s so fucking hot…” That was enough. Something about hearing Adora swear was enough. The spasms happened quickly but provided little relief. If anything, all the built up friction had just worked her up and left her on a higher ledge. She was pulling on Adora, trying to bring them closer. 

“Adora, please…” She knew she looked pathetic. She didn’t give a shit. She needed her right fucking now. “I need it. I need you.” 

Adora let her body down onto Catra’s for a single moment of bliss -their chests rose and fell together in excitement -before she started kissing lower. Catra’s legs spread involuntarily when Adora’s tongue dipped into her bellybutton. The surprisingly deep pressure it caused made her moan, catching them both by surprise. What the hell?

Catra covered her face. “Did that feel good?” Catra hated that she could fucking hear Adora’s goofy grin. Don’t get cocky. 

She did it again. Catra moaned. Goddammit. She wanted to scream; Adora was being so infuriating. “That’s not where I need it!” Shit. She kicked herself mentally. Shit. 

“Where do you need me?” 

Catra wanted to pull the covers over her head and just die. Why was her body so useless right now? She jumped as she felt Adora’s fingers exploring the lower part of her abdomen, dipping slightly below the waist of her shorts. “Where do you need me, Catra?” 

Fuck you. You know what I want. She peaked through her fingers to see the look on Adora’s face, mesmerized as if watching her own hand on Catra’s skin was hypnotic. Catra reached down, took Adora’s hand, and guided it to her pussy. Her face burned with the realization that grinding on Adora had spread her slick around anywhere the thin fabric of her shorts couldn’t absorb it. 

“Y-ou smell really good.” 

“Idiot.” 

“I want to taste you.” It wasn’t a question. Her hands were already pulling down Catra’s shorts -she almost didn’t care. She had the brief thought that she was glad she had done some ‘grooming’ yesterday. She didn’t know what it was going to feel like to have Adora’s tongue on her pussy, but she was sure she needed to find out. But she didn’t want to be the only one getting off this time. 

“You too.” 

“What?” 

“I wanna taste you too.” 

Adora cocked her head to the side with a nervous laugh. “Well...we can’t do that at the same time.” 

“Says who?” Adora stared at her blankly -of course she wouldn't know what sixty-nining is. “C’mere.” Adora scooted up, now somewhat embarrassed. “Further.” She did. “Now turn around.” This was making Catra feel a little bit more in control again, but fuck, she had a nice ass. Her hips tapered to a slim waist, making a heart. She’s so thick...Catra resisted the urge to touch her pussy, which was practically begging for attention. Adora gave a little sigh as Catra’s hands squeezed and toyed with her soft cheeks, giving a playful wobble before reaching once more for the top of the black lace. Adora hesitated for a moment before leaning and moving her leg to allow the fabric to be removed. 

Holy fuck. She shaves. Her skin looked like it would be smooth to the touch. Adora’s pussy was so wet...such a soft pink... “Don’t stare...it’s embarrassing.” But Catra couldn’t take her eyes away -it made her feel possessive and...hungry. She had to fight the urge to play with her ass again now that she had a clear view. 

“Move back.” 

“Catra... if I move back too far, I’ll be like…” Catra laughed as she saw the lightbulb. Adora turned back, a new blush on her cheeks, asking ‘are you sure?’

Catra said it again. Firmer this time. “Move back.” She may not know exactly what she’s doing, but she had control. Kind of...the second Adora got overhead, she felt like an animal. Her arms wrapped around Adora’s waist and pulled her down onto her mouth. Yes. She was soft to the touch. They moaned at the same time. She tasted so fucking good. Catra gave a few more sweeping licks before pushing her tongue inside, making Adora stiffen up a little. Did that hurt her? She tried it again, a little slower this time. 

“...God…” Adora’s voice assaulted Catra’s insides, making her hips buck, apparently drawing Adora’s attention back to her goal. A thrill of excitement followed as Adora shifted to get closer, pushing herself back a little harder against Catra’s tongue. Fuck yeah. I’m gonna do this every day. Then Adora’s mouth was on her and it was significantly harder to focus than she thought. It was a strange sensation -it was hot and so fucking wet. She squeezed Adora’s ass cheeks as if it might keep her grounded. But then Adora’s tongue brushed against something that sent a lightning bolt through her body. She repeated it. My clit, duh. Two can play it that way -only I won’t lose. 

Catra’s tongue found Adora’s sensitive nub with ease, and started lazily rolling her tongue back and forth. She heard -no, she felt- Adora moan, which made her tighter. She tried different strokes and different speeds, finally settling on the one that made Adora’s legs quiver. Adora lifted her head away. 

“I-if you do that I c-can’t, I can’t-” Good. She started flicking her tongue faster. I’m gonna make you cum so har-

“Mng!.” Adora slid a finger inside Catra without warning. 

“Your insides feel like they’re on fire…” Catra pushed harder with her tongue in retaliation, drawing another moan from Adora. Stop talking you dummy -fuck! Another finger. “It-it went in so easy. You’re... s-so wet…” Please stop narrating…

But as Adora’s fingers started to move slowly, Catra found it harder and harder to concentrate on anything other than the feeling of her insides throbbing. She had to get Adora off first. She had to. Adora’s thighs were shaking in earnest now, sometimes rocking -Catra had to hold her down. That's it. 

“C-Catra….” She sounded so goddamn good. Aodra’s mouth closed over Catra’s clit again and the swirling storm inside her took a new crazed tempo. Faster. Adora’s fingers started to pump in and out a bit harder. 

“Mhh!” I didn’t mean you!

She squeezed her eyes shut as Adora’s fingers shifted and pressed something inside of her, making her push up against the hand and Adora’s weight. Oh no. Harder this time. There was a pressure building deep in her belly as Adora found that spot, over and over again. “You’re getting so tight.” 

Catra moved her tongue as fast as she could, just trying to keep from losing control. Then Adora’s tongue crashed down on her clit again, synchronized with the unbearable motion of her fingers. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Not yet, not yet. But Adora’s weight held her down, as her muffled moans and whimpers berated Catra’s ears -a symphony of sounds to match the merciless strokes of fingers and tongue she felt in her entire body. So fucking good...

“Mhn!” Her thighs started shaking. The fingers inside her wiggled differently and Catra squealed, her body giving up on holding out a moment longer. Without warning, the storm crashed over her head and the release was blinding -uncontrollable. Her eyes shut tight as her hips jerked and there was a rush of fluid as her insides spasmed. It took a few seconds before she sort of came back into her body.

“You...that was -” Adora was panting above her. I just fucking squirted...That was new. But Catra didn’t have time to be embarrassed. She was too fucking angry that she lost. 

“Turn around.” 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………................................................................................................

Adora blinked at her, surprised. Was she ready to go again so soon? The way her legs shook...“Do you...need a second?” 

“Turn around.” She was back to being demanding. Adora swung her leg around and crawled back on top of Catra. “Move up.” Catra shoved some pillows away from her head. Adora blushed again -it felt good but it was embarrassing to have Cara's face so close. Before she was...distracted, but now that’s all she could think about. Would Catra think it was strange that she shaved? She just couldn’t stand how itchy the hair seemed to be whenever it grew back so...she just always kept it shaved. Catra’s arms wrapped around Adora’s thighs and started pulling her down again. 

“Sit.” 

Adora didn’t like the idea of just being dead weight on top of Catra. She hesitated just a few seconds too long and Catra lost patience, giving a hard pull and reaching her head up to make contact. The feeling of Catra’s tongue on her clit seemed to pick up right where it had left off -all at once. It made Adora sort of double over, her hands, looking for support. This angle was totally different -it felt good before, but now... One of Catra’s hands pressed against Adora’s stomach. It took a few moments before she realized Catra was telling her to sit up straight. I don’t think that’s possible. 

She placed her hands on the wall, trying to hold herself more upright, but it only gave Catra a better angle to double her over with. Her muscles started to quake just a little. “That feels...good…” 

The hand on her belly moved lower, two fingers reaching to touch the very top of her pussy. She felt Catra pull gently at the skin there and the pleasure changed -it was brighter, more intense. That was what she needed. Biting her lip to keep her sane, Adora felt like she was floating higher and higher, desperately holding onto the wall for stability. “Catra…” She felt Catra groan between her legs. “Catra, I think...I’m gonna-” Her hips took on their own rhythm, grinding down on Catra’s tongue. I’m sorry -I can’t stop. Her body was reaching for that last bit of height before- 

“Shit!” She gasped as she came crashing down, her hips jerking over Catra’s tongue, muscles quivering. She swore she felt kind of dizzy. It doesn’t help that Catra’s still giving slow, deep licks, drawing it out. She takes a few shaky breaths before flopping over and allowing Catra to sit up. 

“Wow.” She watches, embarrassed, as Catra uses the bed sheet to wipe Adora’s wetness from around her mouth and chin. 

Catra grins, obviously pleased with herself. Then the grin spreads -she’s up to something. “What are you thinking about?” 

Catra didn’t answer, but kept smiling, now tracing the lines of Adora’s body with her glowing eyes. “Wait here…”. She got up slowly and moved to her dresser. Adora was certain that her first step faltered just a bit and she stopped herself from laughing. She watched Catra’s back as she dug around and eventually pulled out a black bag. Catra held out its contents proudly and dropped the bag. 

One hand definitely held a dildo -it was pink, which totally didn’t seem like Catra’s style. Her other hand held what looked like a bunch of long fabric tangles...what is that supposed to...oh…It dawned on Adora that it must be a harness for a strap-on. She’d accidentally found Glimmer’s once, and they had quite the lengthy conversation about it. 

“You have a strap-on?” Catra seemed surprised.

“Got it at a white-elepheant exchange a couple years ago. I just use it because this thing vibrates.” She kind of shook the dildo and walked back to the bed.

“Have you ever actually tried it?” 

She shrugged. “Penetration has never really been my thing.” Adora raised her eyebrow, remembering Catra’s incredible orgasm. Fingering was penetration, right? She seemed to pick up on it. “I mean...before this.” 

Adora felt a swell of pride. She made Catra feel good -she made sex good for Catra. God, she wanted to do it again. “Can I try?” 

Catra swallowed, as if she was thinking about it too. “Well, I was going to use it on y-” 

“Please?” Adora scooted closer. “Catra, I...I wanna fuck you.” 

Catra swallowed harder this time. Oh, she’s definitely thinking about it. C’mon Catra. Let me. Please. Slowly, Catra handed Adora the parts. Adora’s heart started to race again as she leaned in to kiss Catra, softly, taking the toys from her. The dildo felt thicker than she thought it was -she hoped it wouldn’t hurt Catra. Now...to...put it together. The harness was a mess of tangles and although Adora had seen one of these before, she’d definitely never put one together. Catra just sat back, watching, laughing occasionally. 

“Oh, you’re sooo helpful, aren’t you?” 

She shrugged. “People learn better when they struggle. I’m helping you learn.” Adora glared at her, lovingly. Still, she could tell Catra was just as lost as she was. 

FInally she was able to get the toy into the harness. Now to just...put it on. She stood up, holding out the harness to appraise it. She could feel Catra’s eyes warming her skin wherever they lingered -her backside was on fire. After a couple missteps, she was able to get the damn thing on right and she cinched the straps tight. Hopefully this wouldn’t chaf. She turned around and laughed, swinging the long ends. 

“What the hell are we supposed to do with these?” 

Catra giggled for a moment, but her eyes darkened again as they travelled up and down Adora’s front. She blushed, batting the dildo with her hand, which wobbled. She felt silly. “It looks stupid, huh?” 

Catra shook her head. “No. It looks good on you.” 

Adora didn’t know what to say, so she didn’t say anything. She tried tucking the ends of the straps into the back before starting to move towards the bed again. Catra held up her hand. “Wait. Stand right there.” She was up to something again, holding onto a dirty little secret. The way Catra was looking at her, she shuddered at the thought of finding out what it was. Catra had walked around in a circle, backing Adora against the bed.

“What are you...doing.” Adora held her gaze as she sank to her knees, a slight smirk still playing at the corner of her lips, making Adora’sinsides stir again. ‘You’ll see’. Catra took the toy in her hand and brought the tip to her mouth. Oh God. There was that look again -like the heat of the sun. She opened her lips and swallowed the top half of the toy, making Adora’s knees buckle. “Hoh...holy shit.” Thankfully, Catra had a high bed. Adora put a hand down and let her legs push against it as Catra bobbed up and down on the toy. It was strange -she couldn’t feel it, but she could feel something. Her breath would hitch whenever Catra made it disappear again. She released the toy with a pop and looked up again at Adora, clearly satisfied with the effect she had. 

“Lay on the bed.” 

Yes ma’am. Adora did as she was told. If she was going to keep showing off tricks, Adora would do whatever was asked of her. Catra crawled on top of her, straddling her thighs just below the toy, which was now resting upright against Catra’s abdomen. Adora traced the edges of the small rectangular patch of neatly trimmed hair. 

Catra held out a small black thing with a wicked smile. There was a beep and Adora’s body was shocked as the toy started vibrating. It was nice but not good? It was tantalizingly close to where it would need to be. Then Catra turned around and… oh...she’s still so wet. Adora licked her lips remembering the taste. Wait, is she gonna...

Catra reached behind her with a trembling hand, lining the toy up with her opening. They both inhaled as the head of the toy seemed to pop inside of her, then her weight let her slide the rest of the way. Something about the sight -she looked so full -and Catra’s weight on the toy intensified the vibrations against her front. Adora groaned as Catra started to make small circles with her hips. 

“Does that hurt?” 

“A little.” But the depth of Catra’s voice told her that it felt good too. Good. After some time, the brunette’s movements got bolder, rolling her hips forward and back. Adora’s hands pulled and squeezed her sides, going along with the motion. She could see Catra’s insides pulling on the toy as she rolled forward.

“Your…” she moaned. “Your pussy’s sucking on it...” 

“You like that?” God, Catra’s voice...

“Y-yeah.” Her hands moved up to Catra’s ribs, admiring her small waist before tracing down her back, wishing she could reach her breasts from here. Catra starts moving a little bit faster and a little bit harder, grinding the toy down on Adora when she pushes back. “It feels good when you d-...when you do that…but could you turn around?”

Catra paused for a moment before stopping. Her body relinquished the toy slowly before she climbed back on. Catra lined the toy back up again, looking cocky. “Anything for you, p-rinc-ess”. She faltered as the toy slid back in. Adora watched her expression change to pleasure with aw. The toy must feel better this way. Catra looked like she was trying to keep her composure. She’s so beautiful like this. 

She forces herself to sit up straighter as she rests her hands on Adora’s chest before she starts rolling her hips again. Now whenever she moves forward, Adora feels good. “It feels better this way.” She starts chewing on her lip. 

Catra’s eyes are closed and her eyebrows are pulled together. “Yeah.” She just agrees, breathlessly, moving a bit more aggressively. Soon they’re both breathing heavy and Adora is pushing her hips up as Catra’s grinding down in a perfect rhythm. Adora’s eyes are glued to Catra’s face, distracted only by the bounce of her chest as she starts moving faster. Adora’s hands follow her gaze, gently pinching a nipple between her fingers, making Catra cry out, throwing her head back. Her eyes are tightly shut, lips parted -that look and the heat getting tighter inside are the only two things Adora can think about. If only I could reach her nipples with my mouth…

She makes do with her fingers, flicking back and forth, sending Catra. And that’s when she really starts riding hard. Using Adora’s chest to steady herself, Catra fucks the toy, making the vibrating base grind down on Adora’s clit. Now they’re both sweaty and panting and in need of release, yelling curses and names. The pressure builds until Adora can’t tell if she’s actually been holding her breathe or not, and she sees stars when the tension finally snaps, Catra also falling apart on top of her -the look on her face is to die for. 

Adora doesn’t give her a chance to rest. The only thing she can think is: make her lose control again. She wraps her arms around Catra’s waist and pulls her down. Squeezing Catra’s middle, Adora holds her in place as she starts to push her feet into the bed, thrusting her hips up. The motion doesn’t feel the slightest bit unnatural -it’s almost like she’s practiced this 1000 times. Catra cries out. 

“FUCK!” 

God, I love when her voice cracks like that. Adora feels frenzied, aggravated by every desperate rasp. “Mine.” It’s all she can manage to say as she grabs the back of Catra’s neck and pulls her down as she’s thrusting up. 

“Yes.” Adora feels Catra’s whine in the base of her spine. Her legs started to burn. I want her to cum. I need her to cum. 

She takes a nipple into her mouth and starts flicking her tongue to match the pumping of her hips. Catra swears again and Adora smiles -this is it. She’s sweaty and tired but this is the only thing that matters. Their bodies slapping together with every rise of her hips only eggs her on. Catra’s clawing and whining and trying to move, but Adora just holds her in place, pounding away. Catra…

Her cries escalate until “Ngh ngh ngh! God-dam-mit...Fuck me! AH-” She goes rigid again and Adora feels another gush a fluid before Catra shudders and lies still on top of her. Adora didn’t even know that was a thing people did during sex. I hope she can do that every time…

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………........................................................................................  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They both lie there just breathing for several seconds before Catra stirs. “Oh good, you’re alive. I was worried you passed out.” Adora brushed a few strands of hair away from her face. 

“I think...I think I did.” Damn. Really?

“Are you okay?” She had to admit, she felt more pride than concern. Catra had to have felt REALLY good. 

Catra lifted herself off the toy and then collapsed back on Adora, now resting her had on her chest. “Yeah, yeah. I’m…” She sighed. “I’m so good. I’m…” Was she crying? 

Adora could see a tear threatening to leave the corner of her eye. “Catra...what…” 

She sat up, causing the tears to fall, and rested her chin on her hands over Adora’s chest. “You were right. I’ve clearly never had a decent sexual encounter, because that...that was…” She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. Adora could tell she was still struggling for words. “Different.” She didn’t need more than that for the blonde to understand what she meant. “It was really, really nice, but also...scary.” 

Scary was a good way to put it -the vulnerability, the risk of getting hurt, the comfort and joy. Intimacy was very scary, but who better to be intimate with than the person you want to spend your life with? She wiped a tear away and played with Catra’s hair. “It was a first for both of us.” Catra seemed satisfied with that. 

She rolled her eyes a moment later. “Of course.” 

“What?” 

Catra wiped her eyes. “You’re too good at everything.”

“Well...not EVERYTHING.” She smiled. 

Catra gave a light slap. “Asshole.” 

“Catra.” 

“What.” 

Adora cupped her cheek. “It was amazing for me too.” There was a moment of unspoken understanding where they both knew exactly what this was for the other person. Then the mischievous gleam quickly returned to Catra’s hazel eyes. 

“Now it’s my turn to…” 

Adora laughed, raising her head slightly. “Can you even stand? I can still feel your legs shaking.” 

Catra just lay her head down again. “Shut the fuck up.” She sighed, “I just need like 5 seconds, and then I’m good to go.” Adora knew that was a lie -she suddenly felt like she couldn’t keep her eyes open for another moment. 5 seconds turned into 30, which turned into 5 minutes. They succumb to the laziness that follows fierce release in each other’s warmth. The last thought Adora managed before slipping away was hoping that she could feel Catra’s weight on her like this every night -that they could always share warmth this way.


End file.
